Raspberry and Alien

2011-04-07T22:39:00.002+02:00

one day, there was a person that asked me why i love him. I answered that i didn't know why. I watched the ground, didn't dare to watch him, afraid to him to see that i was lying. And my only wish was to run away because the next day, the same person wouldn't be in my life anymore.

i tried hard, i kind of succeeded to get me back stopping some medecine, fufilled my life of instant joy, lying in my face expressions to face to some sad situations for some people, making them laugh until they swallowed in the wrong way. I literally bury every night and every evening, four hours a day in aikido practise. And lately, i understood that this hole can't be fufilled by anything else. That i can do whatever i want, it will still be here.

Tonight i cried and it is the first time since months. I hurt my body in so many various way, i hurt my mind in some different various way, mainly in aikido to analyze and help my aikido mates, to modelize myself and be more and more strong, performing, understanding the best i can the global environment in a way that my strongest point is that i don't need to fix to see what will come. I just observe in the globality and this way i can face against two partners.

I am confident even in front of an american football player, even face to dangerous situation like two weeks ago when i helped someone to train before his exam. He was practising and he almost dislocated my shoulder, luckily being supple, I could find a way to secure myself while sensei ran at us. I am always surprised how far the body can go. We always found a way to survive.

But surviving doesn't mean that everything will be okay the next day or the day after. And the hole made by people doesn't forget to make you know that it exists. It is here too and want some attentions. I lie to myself sometimes, hidding it with a big stone, larger than its and build around. But then a hole and a huge stone in the middle of the fundations.

I watch the ground today, didn't dare to watch around because the answer of this question is that he is my family. Really the only one i had around all of this mess.

2011-03-08T17:08:00.003+01:00

i've been studying about what can be wrong in my reasonning since few months with a piece of paper and a pen. Good to see back an opened door of" internet"" in my room.

I've been dealing with shit the whole last week in an ironical and real sense. Putting my life in a shoebox and deserving myself to others. it cost me a sored body, a painful back. not easy to carry a death body with a living mind in a physical and spiritual sense. My mind has been confused by words that i could hear. A beg for dying. What is the proper choice. Made me reconsidering my opinion about people killing themself.

There are some states that we can't do anything if anyone doesn't deliver us. We can't be free of mind, but opening the eye on the reality, the jail is still here. God doesn't close his heart to every single living, so do i.

there aint no change in change finally. And there aint no love in love, no bad in bad. Anything is nothing without everything. i looked like most of us for an 100% happiness life, accepting that i could hurt and they could hurt, trying to deal with. I do everything i can to stop thinking, and though, those irreluctible moment that can be for some seconds, wake up time or moment that we go under sheet, those moment, even if we decide to think about a ferret, poppy and a pacman, we can't control that what we gave is just given, and that this hole will stay this hole until the other part living decide to fulfill it again.

"Not to borrow the strength of another, nor to rely on one's own strength; to cut off past and future thoughts, and not to live within the everyday mind... then the Great Way is right before your eyes." - Yamamoto Tsunetomo

It does mean focus on the present and focus on one thing step by step. Whatever the thing or the person is present physically at 2 cm of your side or 1789097868765445km from where you actually are. Just one focus on one present point, dreams are fully allowed but actions are better than anything else. Never giving up is the solution to all and being patient is the way to succeed.

2011-02-04T17:57:00.002+01:00

should i forgive to people that ain't the strengh to keep realationship, being egoistish, that try to love people for what they are but even don't acccept them like they are and think they are not special and only themselves are special. Those people that don't know how is prescious a single life. Those people that just look for their own and didn't understand that it is deserving themselves to others that brings the happiness. That it is not preserving themselves that protect them from the suffering. That it is giving suffering to others because of their weakness is the only way that make people ugly. That being the one accepting to act for the good of others and being conscious that finally this one will suffer but doing this will make safe the other one, doesn't make him a masoschist but the one that understand life and how prescious it is.

thos people with this passive anger that i had been qualified, isn't those people finally that are? Decided to believe an ugly picture about a person, doesn't it show how ugly this person can be? Should we really forgive to those people that are finally so ignorant?

It doesn't matter how many people appreciate you. It doesn't matter to see how at least one person see you. To be recognize at least by one person. It is not important but it is a way to see how real we are.

To look too much for happiness, we lose what we are, what we have. The truth? the truth is not nothing that i did conclude few weeks ago, maybe a month. The truth is life. The truth is love. The truth is balance, the truth is everything. The truth is facts.

I am barking like a dog, and though actions are worth than words. Today full of anger and still will have to change my state in few minutes for aikido. Full of anger of seeing people ignorant, and their weakness. Giving up is never the solution. I tried to give up my feelings for some people and let it go. Bullshit has been the answer that i received.

Sensei simply became harder with me yesterday, seeing me giving up for some people though i've never talked to him about anything about my life. So like he used to do, he chose me for demonstrating his lessons. But this time, his eyes were so determinated and so black. He took my body and with no strengh, made the technics and added a pressure on a nervous point that ain't in the technics. At the end on the lessons, he said, never give up on the weakness of others, show them and always be there for them. Make an easy life giving up on people we loved is not the solution.

I thought about this all night, and i am still angry. Feel this passive anger that i don't use to have, and feel this if i am not on the other side of the borderline. But what the fuck, i am not the one that make this, and i am the one to who it is said.

And how could he be so clever. How could he be so right without any proof. How can he make that. How can he read in my mind, through my soul. What for is this message.

I answered him: "In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions ou tof their our minds and then believe them to be true." He answered by this: "Three things can not long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth." "Have compassion for all beings, each has their suffering, some suffer too much, others too little." and added something like go be stab, it is worth it.

just can't.

Follow through

2010-12-18T23:57:00.003+01:00

When you were closing your eyes, i felt the time goes and back. I know a place in my mind where things pass by my eyes on a screen. Every place where i've been are living there. But when i open my eye, i can still walk through those places. And step by step, roads bring me back at the same place.

Feel free to shake me now. It doesn't matter anymore, chemical clouds of my sky left. Whatever happen, i'll fall at home, in front of this screen with a new drawn thing, a picture of you. Cross my foot and follow through with me next time. You'll see that nothing die, there are all here without their greasepaint.

I fell asleep again like a stone tonight with all destinations unknown but the truth, her, is not hidden so long. So i am just walking through

2010-10-15T00:57:00.002+02:00

Pain and suffering as we said is watching me in my human existance waiting me to open the window but surprisingly, this window is locked, this feeling of pain that should surround me is not.

Certainly, i feel some sadness for my people, sad for them, seeing them crying. I do my best to bring them a secure life and to fly from my own. I succeeded to give a true and pure love to some beings without throwing stones and without waiting in turn. The simple fact to know that they are, gives to me the power to do not worry because i know they have all tools to get themselves out of it.

Faithfull to my promise that i have done to myself once my mum died under this tree, i will do my best to bear my pain/ignorance and the ones of my people and the ones of those who do not have anymore the strengh to believe. To those that their eyes are covered by useless sadness, i will do my best to clean it with right, pure words, full of love and neutral human opinion.

Here, before, here and now, still under that same tree, i've accepted this idea that suffering is a part of this world. But here before and here now, i've decided to do not take care of it too much and to keep going. Even if i can only remove stones one by one, i will replace them until my last breath.

The world is not as we see it, as we describe it but it is also how we describe it. As death and distance are two different words, they are also same and Distinct. I can not touch them, so there is no touch, no hand. I can not hear them, so there is no listening, no voice. I can not see them, so there is no sight, no glance. I can not smell them, so there is no odor, no perfum. But i know this place, i've met them before, so they are with me because i am with them.

We try hard to look for happiness and love repressing pain and suffering. But we have to admit its existence in order to understand and be happy. Then it is finally through this, we learn and recognize love. If pain was not in this world, love would not be here too. We would not even be able to see love. And through this, pain is already healing.

Life is not a curse. Life is a dream, a beautiful dream opening doors to another and realistic dream. We should appreciate every moment, every second. An this moment that i take to share this with you is lovely.

In this world, there is no doors to open yet. Love is a tool. I am with every single person that i love. I want them to be happy, appreciating every single moment. I do not cry anymore for death because death is not as distance is not too. No, they are with me and i am with them. So everything is alright.

I am full of love for everybody and full of Benevoling, goodwill. I want to remove for you all pain and let you only love but i do not have such a power, the one of suppressing the equilibrium because it would bring the loss of understanding. So i do my best to make life of everybody as good as i can.

I do not forget myself. I do not need a lot of things from this world to live. I am conscious, i trust in me so i trust in people. I am conscious, so i have faith. Faith in this world, faith in people. I am not afraid ofdeath and distance anymore. No because i am cofident in what i am learning. It will not end who we are because we already are this world. I just wish deeply that through death and distance, they know how much i love them, how much they are loved, how much they are lucky to be. Yes, it is. I want to see them growing and enlighting everything around them.

2010-07-26T14:04:00.002+02:00

ive been crying for 10 min today outside smoking a cigarette. no probably for more than 10min, maybe 20 who knows, not me apparently. thats okay.

i was crying of happiness. who could say this in such a situation. i thank God for what he gave me, he made me capable to love like never in my whole life. Probably, no, surely an impossible love but still a love. i cant ask more, he gave me the most precious thing in the whole world, then its me the weak person.

but i had a chance to see him again, even to see his face was enough. and the chance to be in japan again. for this, i can just be thankful because it will probably never happen again. yeah probably never happen again. but its this way. love is to give and not wait for having at my turn.

for life, believes, love, for the beautiful world

2010-05-12T16:03:00.005+02:00

What i've learned with life is that everybody is important. Every single life trying to make his way in this world is important and precious. Though some of them can be hateful, those who accept their own misery. I am talking about the soul misery, those who do look the world and stay looking without trying a way for their life.

We're here on earth and it's a fact. So instead of choosing the sadness, better choose the happiness. And for having happiness, it's necessary to understand the beauty around us. It could be a person, an animal, a flower like a lonely dandelion growing up at your door. We are sensitive to more or less to someone or something. But then, we evolve and can appreciate more and more things.

I am on point of my life that someone is leaving me for a misunderstanding or for being tired of loving because of the distance. He decided to cut off with me, to do not say a words and remove me all way to communicate with him. Probably that he doesn't even read my mails. But he did love me few days ago and decided to do not believe in me suddently. I wished i could go to japan right now to see him and make him hear me.

But i have to wait. But a thing is sure, i won't take the risk to see him leaving me now after 3 years of distances though that we have a chance this year to give a chance to us. No i won't let him do this right now. I love him and he did. even if i'll be ridiculous, i'll cross the world to wait in front of his building days and nights if necessary for telling him what my heart wanna say. And if he doesn't want to, i will even buy a megaphone and tell him everything.

Love is precious, he started to feel it and i am not going to stop now. This sounds crazy. But yes, i want to take my life and do not feel regrets and stay myself believing in simple and warm things of life. I always did my best in everything that i've done. I would give all, everything without counting for my people. And if i feel that i should do it because that has to be done, i will. And even after, if he doesn't want to believe in me, i don't care, i'll keep believing in him and will probably become nun but i would have done everything that has to be done for saving.

He doesn't want to believe in me and in us, i believe for two. It hurts but i'll find the way to make it whatever people can think. I know too much the importance of each, and each person is original. They all have to be seen as a grandness, a mirror of another way to life with their scars and their knowledges. For nothing in the world, and i mean it i will let without fighting someone leaving me. For nothing in the world, if someone gets hurt by me, i will let him with this scar, even small that it's.

So now, he doesn't believe in me, but i keep believe in him and i keep this warm love and hope that he gave to me. I want to make it bloom that he feels how it's good and with his understanding of life it will be more than beautiful. I still love him so hard. I wished that God could help me, just a little bit. But even if it's alone. I swear and i promise that i will do my best, for the man of my life, for a certain adam.

Que ce qui est est et que le reste soit ignoré

2010-05-10T01:11:00.004+02:00

J'ai envie d'une petite retraite auprès d'une rivière. Un endroit, où la vie est la plus simple possible. Un endroit où je n'aurai pas à me poser de question où la vie suit son rythme. J'ai envie de vert au pied, de vide dans les yeux, des notes à la place aux creux de la main et siffler.

J'ai envie d'ignorance et de ne rien connaître, ni même me poser de question, je veux juste marcher sans raison, me soucier de rien et ne rien voir que ce qui est. Je voudrais pouvoir continuer à regarder une petite fleur et la trouver belle. Je veux pas savoir quand la fin arrivera, je ne veux pas savoir quand la vie arrive. Je ne souhaite plus de voir le mensonge, les "si", la manipulation, toutes ces choses inutiles qu'on pourrait tous se défaire.

S'enlacer dans le présent comme s'enliasser dans la nature. Que ce qui soit, soit et que l'ignorance et l'amnésie s'empare du reste.

2010-05-09T15:39:00.001+02:00

’Twas a jolly old pedagogue, long ago,
Tall and slender, and sallow and dry;
His form was bent, and his gait was slow,
His long thin hair was white as snow,
But a wonderful twinkle shone in his eye.
And he sang every night as he went to bed,
“Let us be happy down here below;
The living should live, though the dead be dead,”
Said the jolly old pedagogue long ago.
George Arnold—The Jolly Old Pedagogue.

2010-05-09T04:21:00.002+02:00

ability in virtuosity and subtility in lies to yourself or to others with or without word? Watch out to the downside or you'll feel your lifetime like a purgatory. wouldn't it be so sad? Foras much as we're here, better make Life good, simple. and as we have to interact, better make sure that the situation is clear and understood by all the parties involved.

strength of character, satisfaction in simple and real things, honesty, patience and awareness of our wishes make the differences with others and make you desirable in a long term inspiring respect.

Moments

2010-04-21T22:25:00.002+02:00

When i was in La Rochelle, there were some places where i went to be alone. Some places for escaping of my days, to forget everythings and get in peace. Some places that i went often at the end of my life in La Rochelle. I just simply went there to find myself. Yeah, to forget all bad things of the day, breath again and then go back home.

Days used to be warm in La Rochelle, so in skirt, a walkman and one cigarette, i left "la rue de la Sole" for a piece of sea (le phare du bout du monde) for hours sometimes. It was a beautiful place for thinking and hoping. On the other side of the sea, there is The USA. I often thought about this country, why my mum wanted to go there. Why was it like a sanctuary for her mind. I will never know why though and i will never understand her. Was she so sad to think to leave us as far as she could. Like if even the USA wasn't enough far and lead her to do this fatal act. Anyway, i don't even remember the true color of her hair (blond or red) or even of her eyes (blue or green) but i do remember her odor and her perfum.

i've been on their places thinking, trying to calm down sometimes and forgive to others. When i was looking at the sea, i thought also about him. How and what is he doing. He was the first person who didn't give an opinion about what i could live. So someone that i didn't really know and to who i've been in privacy with for a while.

Those places were a kind of places where there were nobody because everybody were studying or sleeping or partying. Some places where i could be alone in the middle of the "nature". Places where i could feel the wind, touch woods, sand, hear the sea and felt good. I felt like God were there also and whispered to me. And if i was crying because i couldn't understand why people that i love has to leave me or because i was trying to love people around me and that i couldn't really like i do for him, wind dried my tears. In those places, i understood a lot of thing, like i love him, that finally dying is a part of life and we don't need to be scared about, that my world doesn't have to be limited by human society rules.

I had a place in japan where i used to go too when i had time, on a tree in the closest park from chubu university. I used to buy an icky beer, and listen musics laying on the tree. A way to be alone and far from that dorm.

Tonight, i really would like to be in a place there is no building, no houses, nobody for some hours and laying on a branch of a tree or on the grass. Yeah i would love to.

2010-04-21T16:47:00.003+02:00

I feel this way sometimes when i walk on the street looking at everybody. you look for me like those pedestrians.

2010-04-17T00:55:00.002+02:00

And so here i am again. i don't even know what i do this, i just know that my dad had whiskey and i took a bit which means that after some grimaces, i am drunk. And drunk with a little special point. Since i know that i'll meet him, he doesn't even leave my mind which is odd because i finally think about him several times a day. And that's wierd! WHy should i think about someone?! But i am. And when i think about him, i just feel like i'd like to write a mail but i've been already since a week written mails everyday. And for all, showing finally that i am missing him. And i am missing him just because i know that i'll meet him soon.

Arf viscious cercle finally. Hold on, gonna get some whiskey again. alright. This waiting time is hatefuk because as i said it's odd. I have something in my belly. My heart is warm but in my belly there is something like a warm knot which doesn't wanna leave me. And my mind. yeah let's talk about that silly mind. She doesn't wanna obey to me! What?! I know that body is attracted by him ( hormones, fuck hormones) and that my mind say 'oh i want this one, he's the guy, and so i love him'. He even went in my dreams! That's great. nice. Alright. But he's not here and this creates loneliness. So lonely that i went to agree to talk with my stalker. Or should i say my stalkers.

I know that it's not some hard troubles and that i am not in a pickle. But it resulted that i spent a long part of my life where my thought went to him. It's been few years that i think about him. It's not an hazard in all senses. But he is stronger than i am. And i feel ridiculious... Why am i so attached to love?! arf that come from my childhood and life made that he got my only weak point. As i am proud as all people who leaved in south of france, knowing that someone could have such power on you, it's kinda freacky. And though, i can't even get freak...

And today, i can say that i am really proud to love him though that i am still shy to admit it to him. And so after this drunk speech, because i am so fucking drunk! I'll tell you that i am in love with this adam, me that frenchy. oh boy, what should i do.

a beautiful dream

2010-04-15T20:32:00.002+02:00

Last night i had a beautiful dream. It was so well-defined with a lot of description that it's stayed in my mind. It was colorful and full of little things.

I had a house, all made in wood and simple, and nice, and peaceful. in the lounge, i remember a tree made by kids i guess because there were some things, having hand shape in wood with name of kids written on it. It was like a huge chrismas tree. Behind the house, there was like a giant garden with my favorite flowers, herbs, and vegetables. There was also a small field and horses. On the left of the house, there were some little houses, made in wood too. There was at least 5 little houses. ahah that's a lot... One of them was a room with games in. Others i don't know, i didn't get inside.

There was a lot of space and a lot of tree everywhere and kids running. I do remember that i was looking for something important and saw a cow taking a walk in the middle of kids and so i finally forgot what i was coming to do and get the cow that i left her in a box. Then i made dinner, a lao dinner and friends came at my home, overexcited and tired. We got dinner, drunk and smoked. Then they left what was apparently my house and went to bed in one of those little house in wood.

I didn't go to bed and went to sit on stairs in the entry of the house waiting someone. Night were warm and nice. In front of the hosue, there were a rope between two trees for letting kids to slide from tree to tree. And i finally left my stairs to play to this. There i saw a person that came back home, with luggages. He was tired and felt sad. i came to meet him and he hug me, kissed me and scolded me for having drinking and smoking. While we were going home, he laughed and made me take a shower of chantilly cream.

It was a good dream and strange. But it was also just a dream because in the middle of the kid mafia, i knew that there was one of them who was my son. A cute, thin boy with brown hair and black eye of probably 8 year old. he had a walkman in his jean with headphone on the neck, a ball in his hand and had a brazilian bracelet on his wrist. He looked happy.

Head in the clouds

2010-03-05T23:45:00.002+01:00

If there is an expression to qualify myself sometimes it would be: the head in clouds. There are some days where i am totally disconnected. Really disconnected of everythings. Today, few things happened. It started with a wierd dream.

Ahah, i dreamed about my young sugar glider. She came with me in US to visit Adam and Jerry (a male) and i think that i wanted to make them together. Anyway, flying back for france i realized that my glider was there anymore, so i went back to US and saw a message written by her saying that she missed the plane and went to Kelkoo in South America. anyway, i woke up with a weird feeling wondering if it wasnt because of the party of yesterday....

Well then i could read some english mails from my friends and i couldnt understand a word, especially one which was cute but long. I think it took me an hour to "translate" it and even i didnt understand it really. I had to read and to read, rythming by answers after each reading. I got bored of my state. How could it have become so laboured! Anyway, hoping that everybody understood that i wasnt my day.

But my favorite misrake came after diner. My dad gave me bananas to put in the kitchen and without taking care of what i was doing, i put bananas in the washmachin with my clothes and turned on the machin. Leaving the kitchen i just Oh my God and dad scolded me and stopped the machin.

Totally disconnected and disoriented i was today. I have sometimes those kind of days like when i lose my phone and found it in the rice cooker. Sounds unreal like happening only to me. But i had a great party, i love a man and i'll meet him this year and in Japan. So i guess it was normal that my head was in the clouds...

Happy saint valentin's day gwen

2010-02-17T01:23:00.006+01:00

I had a real bad weekend, one of my aunt scolding for not having a Job, making me responsable of my father's actions, my computer on saturday is broken and on sunday, and i've learned by my grandmum that my dad has Parkinson disease. I should say that i didnt know how to react. I wasnt Really sad. Yeah i cant say that i was sad but it wasnt what i've decided for my weekend. I had never thought that could happen. It was so unreal, unbelievable.

I've been lost in my mind yesterday wondering how will be things in the future. BUt i shouldn't worried too much because fortunately the girlfriend of my dad is a health assistant. So i guess that i should trust in the future and stay confidant that i'll be free. Everything Will appear clearly this year i guess. Well i hope. It has to be. Because in another way, it's that i'll lose myself helping only my dad and my brother giving up my life.

I don't want to be egoist but just desire to make my life like kids, doesn't want to be a "Tanguy" staying at parent's home. Sometimes i feel like more i fight in the life trying to do m'y best for my family and i and more things become difficult like if i had to stay stuck somewhere making me think that i haven't my place inthis world. But this is just Some lost moments and i guess than after i'll be stronger. I don't want to cry, i am tired to be sad and i'll know this world.

Yeah i wish to myself an happy saint valentin's day.

A l'intention de Maxime

2010-02-09T01:47:00.003+01:00

Je te l'ai déjà dit Max, il y a rien à voir par ici.

Je te vois

2010-01-25T01:30:00.002+01:00

Sometimes i can see that there are some connections between some events, things, moments, persons, that one part of your life brings you one thing important for the next part of your life, etc. Like if everything fit together to do not only make you what you should be but also like you'd like it'll be.

Mum died and my aunt got interest in me. She let me grow up like i wanted, without knowing that she took a look on me sometimes. And now, i saw a new connection which makes me feel clearly that it has to be, that every piece of the puzzle gather uniting all my sincere whises and hopes in the same perspective. Like if finally i can get all of them. But the single fact to see this future as obvious is scaring me. Scared because it's too beautiful and because that can be me hoping too much and finally not be.

I thanks God, life, whatever you want for those moments that i am living with this hope to see this half-opened door even if this door can to never be opened.

2010-01-13T19:31:00.002+01:00

last day, i made a mini snowman on my window with eye, nose and mouth made with pasta (barilla!!). my dad told me at diner that he saw also a mini snowman with pasta on another window. I felt like ahahah cool and that i wanted to throw a snow ball on it but today i saw that the little kid finally did some others. It was cute.

today, i am really tired, it's not easy to sleep when you have a young sugar glider calling you all the time for playing and jumping climbing on you. In plus i really have to cut her claws, it's so painful... She is a smart glider. she also disdained her parents last night.

winter is giving me a hard time again. when i go outside, i bleed on the ears and tremble all of the time. i don't like to stay at home, i feel like punished and end finally the day with some frustration. it shoudn't happen.

welcome back to the lamentation wall.

Baker said that it's good to be passionated. It gives to us a large difference with others, it gives us the creativity. But when we feel it's never moderated. Ahah baker giving me advise on his reflexions. I can imagine him in swimming trunks with a giant spoon on the hand sitting on the table, eating with the other hand, watching his skateboard and getting his revelation.

i have a wish to write on this 2010 lamentation wall, get an i love you.

2009-12-22T08:06:00.002+01:00

uhm i think that tonight i reached a new degree of insanity. Oh yeah cool. I drunk well still drinking and it's 8:00am and smoking stuff. I am in a mood that a certain song wants me to dance in my own room for nothing. I am in a particular good mood, i could make the clown everywhere, well if i wasn't alone.

But i stay sitting in front of that computer, played video games and guitar all night. I am getting better on guitar but my wrists aren't enough suppled which lead me to do not be satisfy of what i am doing just because i have to play to a slower rythm compared about what i want or get out of the rythmic if i want to play on what i feel being the appropriate rythm. But it's gonna come. Just that i have to get patient again.

There is so much song in my head coming all of the time but i can't make it because i don't know enough about guitar to make them real. Anyway, i keep them in my head. Everything is on my head. And one day, i'll be locked in a room until that all of them come out of my head.

kiss the world, and my ass for that saint prayer.
Kiss the space for letting me flying.
And kiss my heater to keep me warm in this unreal winter.

2009-11-07T05:01:00.002+01:00

let's say what there is in that blog. Some post has no mean to be here, some others aren't made to be interesting. Kind of way to tell to people who fall on this blog what i think about this world. And kind of way to tell to people how stupid can be a person, in lost moments.

Some people can say, i have no dreams, some others can say i have a dream! I took part of the group saying that they have a dream. That's true, i know what i want more than everything. But i know also that i will never get it even though what i want is really simple. The most simple in the world. Nothing hard, nothing different than others, but life is done in a way, that i will never get it.

Tonight i am drunk, maybe because of it, maybe because of a lot of things, and that help me to stay smiling. I did my whole life by myself, i worked hard for it, i did my education by myself. I did be alone in my whole life. And i am now in a point that being alone can't be possible. Is it because i am tired, or simply because i am stupid or because things do that i can't do it differently. But here it is. Life's stopped and my world became unrealizable even though i did what i could for. People forget things so easily, replace things, feelings so easily. And me, i am not able to do it. my world stopped to be a certain day of this year, the certain day that i spent my time in a plane sat between two bodybuilders. That day, i really thought that i was dying.o

2009-11-01T21:18:00.002+01:00

it's been a long time that i haven't written here. I haven't something good to say except that those last times, i had to think even if i don't want to. Sometimes, your body makes you alive even if your mind is dead for a while and some other times, your body makes you pain even if your mind wants to live.

the first time that happened to me, i wasn't prepared at all to a such thing. Breast giving pain, behaviour,mood out of control, up and down, up and down, sickness put me to go in a pharmacy and buy several different brand of pregnancy tests in few exemplaries. All said the same thing: I was waiting a baby. I've never accepted the fact that i could get pregnant. The poor stupid student that i was, drinking, partying, carefree, had to enter in a world that i had no idea of what i was supposed to do. I tried to talk about it but no words came out. I was scared, didn't know what i should do. Scared to think about what i want, scared about the different opinion could get people about it. If i wanted that baby, reasonnably i would say no, but finally that could be yes. I was scared to hear people to tell me, you should abort, but i was also scared to hear myself saying, oh hell, what will you do with a baby, you have nothing for him,only your love.

And finally, with stress, with difficulties that i had in my life, trying to clean my family, i couldn't chose and i lost the baby. I hadn't time to realize, and to understand what happened and to say the truth, i've never get over this lost. It was like a part of me was stealed. Something wasn't here anymore and that gave me pain and still give me pain when i read again and again a mail making me understand how guilty i am in all of this.

I have again this feeling. I am living it again and stronger. That time, i had time to realize that i was pregnant. I saw him in picture, i heard his heart and i just felt him in me controling all my body. My entrails letting place for him, my sick body trying desesperately to eat. I had time to accept him in me until the abortion day arrived.

When i woke up, i was in panic, crying, almost took out the perfusion, that wasn't me because i woke up like that. It was unconscious. I lost again a baby and those last four days my body is reclaming him. It's true, where are they? Some part of them in toilet, in napkins and in medical dumpster. Good job goeso. good job

2009-09-17T23:49:00.000+02:00

i hate, i really hate people

Mama georgette

2009-08-25T03:50:00.004+02:00

I've been working in Paris this two last months and i've met a lot of weird things but there is one person who keep my intention and still stay one of my favorite person. Her name is Goergette and i use to call her Mama goergette, just because she could be my mum with her age. She's an incredible person living in her own world. And she knows it.

To characterize her behavior, i would say that she is a mix between whoopy golberg and Eddy Murphy. She never stops to talk and she never stops to sing too either. She's always talking about everything and nothing in the same time. She is the most lazy person that i've met. Always sitting, never talk in english even though that most of our customers are british and doesn't know even a word in french. That leads to a unheard talk and i have to say that i love it. When she's not sitting on her chair, she tells me that she needs to go in the bathroom and i found her in front of me reading newspapers.

She is the one to whom you shouldn't talk if you are touchy because everything is a joke for her and she won't miss you. Like a friend of mine was left by her boyfriend. She is really in love for him and she finds herself really beautifull. Goergette told her like a thousands times, at every moment, at any occasion, a boy leaves a girl only when she is ugly, so you're ugly. I do love her talk a lot.

She does talk about me too either. One day, when i was doing my breack a homeless guy came to me telling me that i should stop to make myself puking. I found that amazing because i do eat a lot and i don't puke... But those talk coming from a homeless guy, that made the situation like unreal. Anyway, i reported that story to mama goergette who immediatly laughed. And then, she just told to every customers that stitch and telling them too all what i use to eat. Which means that now i became famous in the eurostar for being the elephant shrimp.

Anyway, i enjoyed to work with such a person, smiling all the time, even when she is giving a shit to a customer (like giving 30 times one cents to a single person just because she doesn't like this coin), singing like a hungry dog, getting orgams when she is breaking all bubles of bubble paper.../...

2009-08-02T12:56:00.000+02:00

funny thing but that's all.

2009-07-27T02:38:00.001+02:00

je ferai des efforts. J'écrirai plus souvent en francais.

2009-07-22T18:16:00.005+02:00

what can i say except that i am tired of such a thing that i've never asked. i stay speechless to see how much he was so serious though he has a girlfriend.

2009-07-20T20:07:00.002+02:00

Une lampe et une lumière diffuse
Un fauteuil et un darkdog en guise

l'avidité du vide
désires de solitude
manque passagé
perte figé

rester dans un rôle qui n'est pas le mien
Crier du plus profond de soi l'envie de vous fuir

des mots,
des foutaises?
Des vérités pour certains
la peur, peur d'etre entendu?
Peur d'etre ignoré

La normalité existe t elle ?
La puissance de la volonté
vit elle dans ce bas monde?

Envie de fuir ce monde
sentiment de culpabilité
morbidité de la réalité
songes, mensonges,
songes, mensonges,
songes, mensonges,
la meme rondes
qui nous inflige
qui nous fige
dans le temps

délicatesse de prendre soin de son entourage
oublié sa peine pour panser la leur
se faire fantôme
pour ne pas être indésirable

le vide dans un coeur et une cicatrice qui ne se décrochera jamais

Mirage, load of garbage over here

2009-06-04T18:34:00.002+02:00

My mind: Never stop until i get it. Never bend and keep authority with a touch of understanding. With that, until my depths, i could get a shadow of reasoning in dad's mind, represent the authority for my handicapped brother and a new apartment. It took time, sucked my blood but here we are: in a way of sane life.

I am really really tired, in a way that i could sleep a whole day but should wait July... I will, if everything works, be alone for few months in the new apartment of dad (because he's gonna be in a hospital to stop drinking alcohol. yeah i made it!!). It is really not a great apartment. Compared to the current one, it's a garbage. No sun room and a ridiculous balcony (yeah i won't be able to get in it all my little garden). BUT for one person, (because i hope to get out of here soon) i think that 67m² is enough and when i will leave, for sure dad will let die my tomato tree, my mint, my hibiscus and my elephant foot plant. Anyway, now i have to figure out, how i will do to move out an apartment of 150m² in 67m² and this mostly alone. My friends, in closest towns lives in 3-4Hours by high way from here. They said that they want to help me but i am kind of independent as usually and doesn't like to ask help. So my brother will drive that stupid truck and with a friend they will help me to take the heavier stuff. AND THEN,on the next week end, party.

Concerning Jérémy, he was really the hell, especially when my dad was here saying always yes you can do it (break walls, play with a fridge, paint my room without asking me, well all things that should absolutely be forbidden). So, i got angry against them, said shut up to my dad, and i tightened the rope. It was crazy. if Jérémy did want to go school, dad didn't do anything, Jérémy stayed at home. That is really unreasonable. So i decided to get authority insteed of my dad even if Jérémy could hate me. Crazy stuff started again each time that i wasn't agree with Jérémy, trying to get his attention and get a discussion with him, i did see bottles of water, alcohol, cake, peanut, glass everything that could be on his hand flying in the whole house, i did feel the tooth of my brother under my skin while i was sitting ignoring him waiting that he calms down and this could be in a whole day. Stressing, harrassing, frustrating days. But now Jérémy at least go to school, and do not breack everything and even now his anger and frustration decrease in intensity and in time.

Give me time to learn what i need to learn and then give me the freedom.

2009-05-28T03:26:00.002+02:00

I just need a cow for milk, two trees (for a shelter or climbing), water, bamboo shoot, fish, maybe my guitar to remind me that i am not good for this and to wake up and taunt you (oh too bad, you'll have to wake up and figure out why you're still disappointed) and someone (procreation, sex, love, opposite dna, addiction whatever, it's same. fortunately or not but it's the primary goal of an animal to let a trace of our stupidity but in my case, to let some hope to that smelly world). you could put that in the emptiness, i don't mind. I would fortunately levitate and play to the space monkey, appreciate my bubble of water with fish, take a nap on my tree when i got tired and smile to Buddha.

Nostalgic moments

2009-05-19T03:03:00.007+02:00

When there is a good weather, i like to walk or do sport as everybody i guess. I love to be outside. It's one of my favorite thing to feel the sun. I love it because it warms the skin and my color of skin changes quickly from white/yellow to brown. When there is no sun and my skin is like the winter one, people can easily see that i am a mix of european and asian persons. But when i got the brown one, people hesitate between an asian and a spanish person. Though that my hair doesn't have ringlet, they can't really say where i come from.

I have also what it calls a saisonnal mood. Winter = almost depressive, Summer = over excited. Sun is quite important for me and that is coded in my genes and marked in my childhood. I always knew sun with me. When i was child i lived in the south of France and there, winter is never a real winter. I've almost never seen the snow. Only three times in my whole life. First time was in ski vacations (2 months, vacation job), second time was this year in my father's town and third time was in Ohio. I couldn't believe to see so much snow either in cleveland. One was really frustrated, me i wanted to play with (the snow of course) but i didn't do it because they wouldn't understand why. I can tell you that gave me some frustrations. Snow is cold that it looks like funny. I think that in cleveland, if i wasn't in a friend's parent's house, i would make some snowshoes or sled (yeah, i would prefer to make it, that would be funnier) and make a circuit with hump. Anyway, in all case, i think i prefer sun.

When i was young, we had our own house with swimming pool and tennis court. I spent days almost naked (uhm in swimming clothes), bared foots on everything (going outside, getting inside with such a dirty foot that you could follow me my path and found me! ;-) ), playing with praying mentis, toad (who used to piss on us), snakes and my dog. We had a huge garden where mummy (grand mum) cultivated a lot of things and i love that moments at 5:00pm where together we took care of the garden. When we had to sell the house, i took lavenda with me, asian mint and rosemary that i still have in my room and still smell like the heaven.

The garden was a very beautifull thing. Mummy put on it so much thing that you had different colors and a lot of good smell and some had medecine properties... When i had pain in my tooth, i always ate a flower which anesthetize my mouth. Ahah that was funny. I never watched television, and i was never in front of a computer or video games like now. I had also a shelter. Yeah a second one, not the one of the children house. My neigbor made art with wood and for his children and my brother and me, he made a beautifull shelter which one was between trees. We did camping there a couple of time without forgetting that in the morning we were eaten by mousquitos.We were in a lotissement far from village, in the middle of a wood between small mountains whose one is famous: la montagne sainte victoire (Sainte Victoire mountain with victoire means victory). That mountain is blue and white. Yeah trust me!! It inspired a lot of artist like Paul Cezanne, Pablo Picasso, Wassily Kandinsky and also known because of Marcel Pagnol and his movie like manon des sources, le chateau de ma mère .../...

When i was young i used to walk a lot, really a lot with my friend.s We were less than 10 years old and we walked alone without adults around us for more than 5 kilometers. Yeah because atfer that you could get village and there we often went of a bar to get magazines or playing soccer on the village place. Then the mamas were very nice too. In the south of france they gave you a lot of candy and ice cream and cake. Well everything you wanted you could get it with an angel smile. ;-) I had also a neigbor who his work was to be touristic guide for long hiking. So he used too to take us with him. That was nice too. His wife was the best friend of mummy and she is from Laos too. To say the truth, her and my mummy they were best friends in Laos and my grand father and him they were also best friend. History is funny sometimes.

i felt so much happy over there and i do miss it.

About Chakras

2009-05-17T03:33:00.003+02:00

I was wondering how were my chakras. And i finally tried some tests. I thought that the one which could be the most open would be the sacral point, and i didn't think that the root one could be so closed. Anyway, that was for fun. If you want to do it too, i put the address on the picture or you can just click here.

Metaphor of mayonnaise and coffee

2009-05-16T04:40:00.003+02:00

Psychiatrist told me that story today.

She told me a story about a mayonnaise pot and coffee. A professor of philosophy brought in class a big empty mayonnaise recipient and without a word fill it with golf balls. He asked to the students if the recipient was full, ans they answered yes. Then, he took marbles, filled again the recipient and asked again to the student who said again yes. Immediately, the Professor made the same thing with sand and then with two cup of coffee.

Student laughed and he says that mayonnaise recipient represents the life, golf balls are the important things that passionate each one like persons that we choose to get around us, making us happy, family, children... Life would be also full if we lose sand and coffee and would get only golf balls. Marbles are things like car, job, house... sand is little things of life and etc... If the professor would fill the recipient firstly with sand, there wouldn't have place for important things.

Life works with the same principle. If we spent all our energy and all our time for little things, we would never have time for the important things which are crucial for our happiness.

virtual season

2009-05-13T04:54:00.002+02:00

Prepare you to get blamed. There are some rules in life, which are not even real rules BUT simply good senses which are essential for the well-being of everyone. IF you passed out of those stitches, don't get disappointed about what you harvest. Easy, simple.

Firstly: personal space:
VERY VERY important. It's the cause of all troubles. There are 3 kind of space:

Two physics: invisible and visible. The visible one is a place, a kind of shelter where the person gets the real private life. the invisible one is the minimum space that each person needs when they're interacting with people. For example, if you're not intimal with someone, you can't be too closed to that person without making that one nervous.
And one mental. Don't need to explain, i dare think you're not so idiot.

Secondly: Entertain:
That is also important, that means RESPECT to the value of the person. If you make believe to someone something, keep to do what you said OR you get guts and you get a discussion about your changing opinion BUT in ALL cases, NEVER let the person believes in something that you don't anymore desire to keep. Don't ask to people to trust in you if you just change mind as you change shirt. That is cruel. Everybody are independent but that individuality finds limits in the respect of each other. Typical example would be: you can't get a new girlfriend if you didn't break up with the one of the moment. Then if you doesn't want to respect that person, don't get bad if that one wants to see you like dead.

There are some other rules but that makes me bored and if you can just even apply those single rules, world would be better for everyone. To sum up, that is what i reproach often to people that come to me to get advice. Now it's written, and if you're mad of something or someone and that has no relation with me or if you're not on my closed circle, don't piss me off, that is for you.

2009-05-12T06:19:00.003+02:00

Sprint of the spring and it's already winter, shoes borrowed your face, already wink of wrinkle, your embittered mind borrowed the way of Anesidora road. Creation of God, you could sleep serenely until your last blow but you decided to deliver the tenth presents of God: elpis.

After oldness, disease, war, starvation, destitution, madness, vice, trickery and passion, all of the sudden, human kind decided to get irrational fear. From now on, human kind won't suffer only of pain but also the wait of those pains.

As the day advanced, the veil is risen. I thought that if it wasn't a dream, i have everything to love. Life is adjourned only if death arises. We're here to believe, nothing else than letting us to believe. Believe that you'll die tonight? For ones who want to believe. And that it could be already late? But it's not already too late. It's to you to believe.

Anesidora = Pandora

Whippy and Siouxpoux

2009-04-28T05:00:00.003+02:00

Time's been poor, life's been necessary and boogerboo (bugaboo) feels alone since Panny discovered a truth of him. Yeah, boogerboo feels frustrated to lost his influence on the little Panny while everybody are still murdering all that can move, breath and eat. Boogerboo has right to get afraid because there's always exception to the rules, and Panny might be that exception which means that hope can be for that world.

The mother of Panny, Whippy, gets seriously disformed after those fights trying to get the penny on the hand of other persons. Now, she has only one eye and the right arm is totally broken and looks like a ruban draging the ground at each of her displacement. She also lost her belly. Yeah, while she was walking in the street, she saw something shining on the top of the mountain. Though she should know that the golden apple is still hidden in the boundaries of the universe and that no one could get a track and even no one could prove the existence of that golden apple.

But the human mind and reason are insane. Human hopes and believes to hope in the good believes. Anyway, seeing that glimmer she suddenly decided to take her chance and to look after that twinkling light. But she wasn't alone to have seen it. Siouxpoux tribu saw it too and they are fierce and wild lice! After crossing the abundance river, bawling caterpillar forest and after climbing the mountain, she falls on the herd of Siouxpoux who jumps on her eating one of her eye and making holes in her right arms. Then she runs as fast as she could and she falls on the mountain landing on the abundance river. There, with a big "plash" she lost her belly and drown the couragous Siouxpoux soldiers. After taking a nap in the river, she opened her eye and saw that the glimmer disappeared. Tired and frustrated she goes back home while Panny mysteriously disappeared too.

2009-04-23T03:57:00.002+02:00

I bought a whiskey bottle this afternoon and hide that in my room. Ahah under my pillow like an alcoholic. When Dad were sleeping i took one, then two and finally three glasses. I felt energetic but i decided to play as usually now to L4D again. And i could realize how much i was finally drunk. Ah that was pretty amazing because i could kick the ass of a tank almost alone, yeah mainly because everyone was on the ground and this probably because of me. Anyway, i was focusing on the tank's ass. And i got motivation. Running, jumping tauting the tank. I almost never talk to people excepted to say hold on! or hey there's an infected here, stay away!! Nevermind, i also kicked their ass but all sent me a friend request that i took pleasure to refuse.

Dad woke up and looked at me with a weird glance like oh hey what's happening to my daughter, she has red ears, red nose and a smaller eye. yeah i know i almost look like a zombie when i got really drunk. ahah especially when i do my special posture and watch people like if they come from an other planet though is me. But i needed to drink tonight. Here, life is like a stinky sock with a difference that even if there's 20°C, you feel cold because things are cold here.

Yeah, it's supposed to be warm those days but i still keep my vest and a pull over while girls here are dressed like if they were going to fish some indigestible worms. Yeah i got bored here, people in this town are not really interesting, they aren't opened to the world and just want to stay in their ignorance.

I run today. I restart to do sport. So i really spat my lung but i did worst. Because before, i used to run 2hours so today i didn't really stop before to have done my two hours. I can tell you that tonight i am feeling like a real worm. Like a wreck, stick on the couch or my bed with a bottle of water. And i drank whiskey today. All ingredients to make me broken for tomorrow. Anyway, my body needs some aggressiveness because passivity is enough and that i don't wanna be old before time.

Ahah i think that going to bed tonight i will have to crawl.

Dogs on facebook

2009-04-21T14:44:00.003+02:00

Something is wrong. People on facebook are making a personal page for their dog and then send us a friend request for their dog. I mean, is their dogs have also a mail address? Because i might also use it to hear from the dogs. Or can dogs get news from them through Internet. Whoa i didn't expect this from dogs. They look for sure smarter than their owners.

2009-04-19T22:55:00.002+02:00

This weekend, there was the motorbike race during 24 hours. That was an occasion to show to my friends a special spirit. In 2 minutes, by car, from my house, you can get the circuit. And around this circuit, when the weather becomes great, all the Friday and Saturday night, there are some stunt by amateur rider. Mainly because it's the race, i knew that it would be bigger than usually. That was a nice show, on a road. Around there were some policemen but at this time, they enjoyed with us and drunk beers.

I really do love this kind of event, those made by people who just want to be simple, play to their hobby and spend a good time with everyone. The race in itself is not good but around it's the spectacle. People forget their differences, cheer with everyone and enjoy the moment. While the girlfriend of Cyril was complaining about the noise of the motorbike or about the rain. I kept walking in the silt until I found two Finns. They are 56 and 52 years old and they came in Le Mans with a tandem bicycle. I found their story awesome. I stayed with them for a long while according to my friends. But that was worth it.

They came with a tandem bicycle just because of a bet. That makes their action funnier because they just appreciate life as it's and get fun taking things easily. But they also told me that they would never do that if they were alone. On that point, i think i agree. But in my case, i would never find someone who would be okay to do foolishness like that one. I am not talking about a tandem bicycle but doing crazy things as they come in the head.

Poverty

2009-04-13T03:14:00.002+02:00

One day, a father of a wealthy family took his son to travel in the country with the firm intention of showing to his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
" It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn with this trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Making a différence

2009-04-13T01:42:00.003+02:00

" A friend was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean. As my friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had washed up on the beach, and, one at a time, he was throwing them back into the water. My friend was puzzled.

He approached the man and said. "Good evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing."
"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen."

"I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many. And don't you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"

The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, "Made a difference to that one!" "

Conversation with the Buddha

2009-04-11T04:13:00.003+02:00

A man was having a conversation with Buddha in the middle of the night. Buddha was sitting while the man was standing.

Man: O Buddha, I have a girlfriend, but now I have fallen madly in love with a new lady. I really don’t know what to do.

Buddha: Are you sure that the lady you’re now madly in love with is the one you love the most, and will be the very last woman in your life?

Man: Yes.

Buddha: Then initiate a break up so you can be with the new lady!

Man: But my current girlfriend is gentle, kind, virtuous. If I initiate a break, wouldn’t it be quite cruel and unethical?

Buddha: In marriage and love, it will only be cruel and unethical if there is no love. You’re now in love with another lady and no longer your girlfriend, and a break up is the right thing to do.

Man: But my girlfriend loves me very much, she really loves me very much.

Buddha: Then she is fortunate.

Man: I’m going to leave her for another woman, and this should cause her to be in misery. How can she be fortunate?

Buddha: Because she still possesses the love she has for you, whereas you have lost the love you have for her, because you have fallen for someone new. Accurately speaking, it is a blessing to possess and a misfortune to lose possession, therefore the one in misery is you.

Man: But I’m leaving her for another girl, she should be the one who has lost me and thus feel miserable.

Buddha: You’re wrong. You’re only an entity in her love life. When you, the entity, no longer exists, her true love will continue on to another entity. Because in her love life, she has never lost true love, therefore she is the one who should be blessed and you the one in pain.

Man: She said she would love only me all her life and not a second man.

Buddha: Have you not said something similar before?

Man: I… I… I…

Buddha: Look at the three candles in the urn before you, the one that shines most brightly.

Man: I don’t know, they’re all equally bright.

Buddha: These three candles can be likened to three women. One of them is the woman you have fallen for. There are so many humans in existence, and there are more than hundreds of thousands of women. You can’t even tell which is the brightest or point out which is the woman you love now, yet why are you so sure the one you love now is that woman, and even more so, how can you be so sure she will be the last woman in your life?

Man: I… I… I…

Buddha: Now put one candle close to you, and look closely which of the three candles are the brightest.

Man: Of course it’s the one right in front of me.

Buddha: Now put it back to where it was, and then look again and tell me which is the brightest.

Man: I really cannot tell which is the brighest.

Buddha: Actually, the candle you brought before you is like the woman whom you have fallen for. Love stems from the heart. While you love her, you feel that she is the brightest candle. When you put the candle back to where it was, once again you could not tell which was the brightest candle. This type of love is only a kind of greed that blinds you and looks beautiful and perfect on the surface, but in the end it’s only an empty dream.

Man: Oh! Now I know. You didn’t really want me to leave my girlfriend, you merely wanted to enlighten me.

Buddha: I won’t tell you if you’ve seen through me. Now, go.

Man: Now I really know who I love - she is my girlfriend.

Buddha: When one is alive, one can hardly avoid love. May all lovers in the world cherish the one beside them, steer clear of greed and illusions and create happiness with their special one.

" Without effort, without sincerity, without care, there is nothing. Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart"

Panny and the cherry blossom petal

2009-04-06T01:01:00.008+02:00

There, where a noisy, crowded world is running fast, where people are climbing on each others, making a pyramid, trying to get the golden apple, far, on the other side of the oceans, crossing the continents, still stay a place whose the only sound is the blow of the wind on the sakura's petals.

There, sitting in the cherry tree, was a little nine year old boy who after putting his finger in his nose, eats his boogers. But the wind makes fall a cherry blossom's petal which accidentally is stuck to the booger. Then the boy shakes his hand and the petal still stay on the top of his finger.

Panny likes to eat this when he gets upset but doesn't like the taste, too strong either, of those petals, being at this place is the only way to do not be catched by his mum. Shaking strongerly and fasterly, he realized that it was wasted time and began to sigh.

He observes that thing and curiously starts to like seeing that petal. Pink, white, a little bit of brown. So many colors that he could find on that insignificant thing. He gets a smile and tries to touch the petal with his other hand. But already the wind blows again and the petal disappeared.

Finally, Panny takes a tissue and cleans his finger of the booger, goes back to the noisy and crowded world composed by people who are climbing on each others, making a pyramid, trying to get the golden apple, gives that muddy tissue to his mum and tells her: "i don't wanna take a shit anymore".

In his mind

2009-04-03T02:55:00.001+02:00

and i become again dust

Tahiti and my Hemiya

2009-03-29T20:54:00.002+02:00

We were talking about Tahiti today. Because we wanted to make some salad of citrus cooked fish. While we were talking about Tahiti, Hemiya told us that she was scared to go in Tahiti because she heard that in Tahiti, people kill white people. But I couldn't shut my mouth and grandmum forget a crucial and important point: she has yellow skin. And over there, in Tahiti, yellow skin are not murdered. Anyway, she just simply look at her hand and said oh yeah you're right and she hide her face in her hand.

As we forget to buy some ingredients for our salad, with Hemiya, we went to do shopping and she saw a old woman dressed in T-shirt sitting in the street. When she saw that poor grand mother, she came to see her, give to her 4€ to go buying some sandwich and told her to wait her because she has a vest that she wants to give to her.

The thing is that my grandmum wanted to be nice but that woman wasn't a homeless people. Yeah, grand mum, french people are not afraid of the chill. She was just taking sun sitting on the street. So i took my grandmum and tried to do not laugh. Going back home, the little woman stayed stand up with her vest on her arm on the entry and i believed that i would die of laugh watching her laughing and watching my grandfather trying for the first time shoulder strap taking his pant up until his stomach.

yeah, i am an alien because my grandparent are alien too.

I have 3 nipples and i am an alien

2009-03-29T03:59:00.003+02:00

My name is Gwenaëlle which means white angel. I have three nipples, suck my thumb when i am really tired and i feel like an alien. Waiting times that i can laugh and smile, i put myself in sleeplessness mode. I can live and get fun with nothing. I try to do not count time and hope, hope that a day, i won't be alone anymore and while i am waiting that day, i am living in the present and in my own world made of unreal and absurd stories (dreams, thoughts, metaphor), keeping me smile.

I am like a child, i cry often and can get smile instantly after, the touch is very important for me and can remind the smell of the most important persons what help me to be reassured. I laughed when i see a giant chicken in Wallmart and get intimidated by a skateboard. I often eat my desert before the principal meal.

My favorite fruit is raspberry, my favorite colors are black and blue and my favorite movie is "The Foutain". I hate to get slippers and hate to dress a sweat and hose. I sleep with three blankets and have five pillows, plus one that i always keep on my hand. I have a Teddy that i gave to a Japanese child. It was a sheep called Plume (eng: feather).

Well, true, i am wierd.

screaming louder than others

2009-03-24T00:17:00.004+01:00

People use to be like sheep, cow, hamster... In group, they're doing the same thing. Fashion, life, philosophy... So to be heard, around those people speaking loudly, some of them try to be different and start to scream to express themselves. But finally, they're not so different than others. They still use the same way of expression and increase the degree of absurdity. To the end, everybody scream, get frustrated, and life seems to be rude and exhausting.

I hadn't a really good day today, and in some other words, i am screaming it in my manner, drowning this note among thousand of thousand writing. i am waiting, waiting the propitious day where i can eat raspberry.

Human kind wasn't made to be alone.

2009-03-23T01:02:00.003+01:00

Sometimes, and now often, things are getting different in my mind. Age is getting reason of my unreason. Still the same, what people tell me often. My face and my mind resist to the time. I am still running, overexcited, eating at any time, saying pointlessness and fantastic comments, getting in my world, always the same jeans that babies grip on the street offering a big smile and laugh. Those smiles that make me surprised, shy and happy, though that with time, that same gwen feels more and more alone.

Around, through time, everywhere, people run, run, run fast. World makes us running fast, and i follow too. And while i am running, doing those same shit that everyone, i feel a life in stand by. Some minutes, hours, short moments in an entire whole life but some crucial instants telling me, hold on! you're running for what? there's no reason here!

This feeling of loneliness, emptiness that i try to fill with an acceptance of the present. That really works. I stay able to be happy with nothing. But it still stay those moments of dissatisfaction. They always be there, making us alive. Nevertheless, the unconsciousness and conscience are going in the same way, being agree on one point, that i need to get my own family. Need to get only kids around me,who run, run, very fast but for something else than stupidities of this artificial world. I might find the kiddy daddy for that.

That is my feeling of today. That can be different tomorrow. i might wrong with what i think and wait but at this second, my scary thought was i wanted to be a mother.

2009-03-15T22:41:00.004+01:00

J'ai sautillé dans le bac à sable et je m'y suis accroupi pour prendre une grande poignet de ce sable. Pleinement et sans hésitation, j'ai plongé ma main et pris cette poignet de sable que j'ai serré, serré, serré, serré. J'ai ouvert mes mains et je n'ai su que chuchoter aux sens que ce sable éveillait.

Le vent a soufflé ce sable laissant des traces crevassées dans ma peau et cette chaleur pénétrante. Elle s'était déposée dans ma main et traversa chacune des couches biologiques pour diffuser dans mes veines où mon sang s'empressa d'apporter cette énergie vers un essentiel.

J'ai commencé à sautiller innocemment, j'avais commencé à jouer. Et c'est venu jusqu'à moi. J'ai compris et j'ai appris. J'ai ignoré et je me suis rappelée.

De là, je sais que je t'aime.

Beginning of freedom plan.

2009-02-23T23:50:00.000+01:00

Ce que mes yeux ont vu n'est qu'une partie infime de la cruauté de l'homme. Et pourtant, je suis déjà gravée de noms que je ne peux oublier. Il est dit qu'avec le temps la colère et le sentiment de ne pouvoir rien faire sont apaisés mais ce qu'ils ne disent pas c'est que par moment, ces choses reviennent par la vue du passé dans le présent.

C'est incroyable tout ce qu'on peux pleurer. Est ce que ça ne s'arrêtera jamais? Quand viens la frustration de ne pouvoir rien faire, on déploie une telle énergie qu'il devient impossible de l'exprimer par des gestes mais qui s'évacue avec une simple larme. Une simple espérance impossible à concrétiser semble creuser les fatalités de la pensée humaine et par l'occasion une impression de se nuire, de se donner le glas. Et cette même espérance est celle qui nous fait vivre dans l'innocence et l'ignorance.

Aujourd'hui, comme ces derniers mois, je pense beaucoup. Autour de moi, les chapitres se ferment au fur et à mesure, et je m'attèle à fermer les derniers chapitres. La fatigue se fait sentir. La douleur est ingurgitée comme des carrés de chocolat. Doucement mais surement, j'efface les traces que j'ai laissé dans mon entourage en pansant les dégâts que j'aurai pu faire.

I don't know yet

2009-01-27T22:25:00.004+01:00

a thought came. If we believe in something or someone, concrete or not, would we be able to give our life for it, and even die for it? I may know the answer for me, but does everyone work in the same manner? The sacrifice of our own, does everyone is able to do it? Doesn't it finally the limit of our freedom? those rules that we impose by our own volition. I'm not talking about society rules, but those of our ideologies, those made by our reflexion thought rules could be different, having the same ideologies but not the same way of reflexion.

And if the freedom and rules were imagination of human mind.

Fredo, my John Doe

2009-01-25T01:04:00.000+01:00

When i was in Junior High School and elementary school, i used to do not go in English class, mainly because my English teacher were scary but also because i had to do home task like shopping. I quit school with a friend, Adela Matic who was a refugee because of the Kosovo war. Everybody at school was afraid about her, more than me and my children's house band, probably because she knew the war. Adela Matic was the most amazing girl that i've ever met, but also the most sad girl too.

We used to quit school together to go to a suburb house. Often it's a public place where they're trying to do the best to give to children the most fun possible. In that one, there was a place for playing music. And Dan used to go there. We went there just to be with Dan, well mainly because of me. I loved to hear Dan singing and playing guitar. Since the children's house, i was always with Dan, he was like my old brother and often when i didn't come to meet him in a week, he was looking for me. And when we didn't meet in that place, we've met on sunday, in the market place where he was selling K7 with Gary. Oh yes, i've never played with children with the same age than me.

One day, after meeting Dan, i came back home. My father was absent and my two brothers were alone. I found Peter playing with my Mega Drive two, and Jérémy was playing with an electric heater. I cooked dinner, put Jérémy in his bed and dad came with a hobo at home. I remember that this hobo, called Fredo, smelled like dog's pee. I really hated this boy because he was drinking with my father and this made me afraid.

I decided to go bed when dad told me that tonight this guy will sleep in my bed and me on the sofa. What a frustrated situation it was for me. I didn't want to hate Fredo, but all this could only make me more angry against my father. So while everybody was sleeping, without bed and for sure, stressed, i played to street of rage all the night. In the morning, that boy came to me and tried to be nice with me playing with me. So the only thing that i've made in the game was to kick his character though we were a team. And it was playing with him that i realized that he didn't know to write and to read.

I started to give him his first lessons for writing and reading. And then dad gave to him enough money to learn by himself with an association. After this, Fredo, the one smelling like dog's pee and robbing scooter, disappeared. Dad and i never saw him again until today.

I was doing my job, today and when i was walking in the building, i could see him in front of a PC, treating a call. I came closer to him but i couldn't dare to talk to him. So i passed my road today, and could see that Fredo was able to write and read and didn't smell anymore the dog's pee. While i passed my road behind him, a stupid friend came to me telling my name very loudly and gave me a five. He may recognized my name but i didn't want to turn back. I didn't care, i saw today that he was fine and this makes me feel good.

A war in the kitchen

2009-01-18T19:11:00.003+01:00

I had to make a cake today because Jérémy wanted me to cook one. I had to do it if i want him to stop being around me. I am enough good for cooking but no for desert. Well, i had to do it. So i started to do it, and Peter didn't find better idea to ask to Jérémy to put on my head the flour bag. I love when my brother is laughing. So i hadn't had better idea to continue the war in the kitchen.

For sure, Dad was sleeping. But oh no, Jérémy doesn't know to stop. And do you know what happened? Oh no, you couldn't imagine. He took a glass full of flour that he threw on Dad's face. While he was going to see my father, Peter and I tried to stop him before but no way. Considering among the international rules which say that the last child get never scold, Peter and I had to clean while the last devil was looking us smiling and throwing a last time, some flour on us.

I will certainly play to his favorite game, a radio controled banana helipcopter. I lost a battle but not the war, ahahah hihihi hohoho (machiavellian laugh). I'm recruiting some soldiers, everyone who wants to join the obscur side of the big bro/sis force.

2009-01-15T20:26:00.005+01:00

Il est dit:
dans la pauvreté naitra la pureté.
Dans l'abysse de la crainte,
succombera l'étreinte
amante de la malignité.

Ne craint pas la cruauté,
ne t'abandonne pas à l'aigreur.
Laisse en toi monté
la plénitude et le bonheur
d'un sourire donné
pour suffir à délivrer
ta vie.

DRAG: DRessed As Girl but zybordian vampire from Zybordian planet

2008-12-31T00:56:00.005+01:00

and then when you've got catch by the spirit of the pathetic world, you see your working colleagues in a different way. When they ask you a sex plan with two boys seriously, you're wondering if you're on the wrong solar system. And you realize that it's true when your only hope is that a client who doesn't understand why he got a bill of 1200€ in his professional phone (though he called special numbers like carla, the queen of the sodomy) calls you.

Then, you smile, try to stay in your game, and you buy some skittles ( it's ball candy with fruit taste) and you fight to do not open the kanji dictionary in the bag but to read the feminine magazine of the neighbor and talk with her about buttocks and stretch mark. And then you still realize that you're an uncultivated in the pathetic world. And the worst is: then they feel confident with you and they're starting to speak about their private life with their boyfriend, well their husband and the fateful question comes: "and you gwen, have you ever similated for your boyfriend in bed?" There is two way for answering. If you say the truth: "hum, it's interesting. i never had to simulate with my partners...", they will already think, oh bitch you're lying. If you say lies, oh they will get the satisfaction that their couple is pretty better than everyone else in the world. At the answering time, i just stopped her before she finishes her question and said: "i don't drink coffee but i need one right now, is anybody need one too??"

I think today that i opened the door of the most unreal world. These girls could be my mum! doesn't it freaking out?? And to end with that unreal and pathetic day, i decided to walk for going home. My mind was high in the understanding, so high that i didn't realize that i stopped to walk to let a pigeon cross my way.

creepy-crawly, close your ears, you're too innocent here. Take your paws and go back to where you're from.

2008-12-30T01:30:00.003+01:00

I have still 6 weeks in that stupid work and then it's over!! Oh yeah, everything is a game. Right? So if i want to quit that job i could do it tomorrow... oh that thought makes me smile. But i've got to finish that contract if i want money, so, i can't. And this is a game's rule. Right! But that job would be amazing if i accept to take care only about international calls. That means that i could speak in english and german all of the day. BUT if i sign that one, i will have to stay longer that i planed. Hum. i stay perplex. I love to shit on bumpkin people but i will be over soon. Mean that i could soon find the limits of my imagination. Noo, that can't be.

Doesn't get my interest. So i just smocked to much tonight because ant are walking in my roof, and right hand is big and i feel singing mood. Hum i also put my nightdress on my pull and i spent 30minutes if i can still couting to write that stupid message. Well, imagination in mmy head are boiling, my father is still sleeping in that coach and oh i need to control my thoughts,or my father's gonna be my futur vitim.

Somebody can help me to tame my nightdress! Well, before someone to help me to turn off that stupid phone and another one to tell me that tonight i am such a drag! well, i got imagination that people with who i was didn't have. That's make a difference because i am kind of free in my head when i turn on that mode. And that, people love it when we know to use it.

Ah tonight they really shat on me. Frenchy loves alcohol! and Frenchy from Le Mans loves in the same level smoking. That make them such a crazy and overexcited! That's the bad point and a good one. Next one who tell me that i am light and put me in the air and play the to plane with my body, i'll kill him. GOT IT??

Oh i am still a child. OK, tomorow i'll change. I'll stop to smoke, and i'll be serious. Really serious, with no expression. And I'll try to be like someone else living in the society. Tomorrow i'll be dress glasses, and put myself the most ugly that i can, like them, pathetic. And i'll go working like that. Well, everything is a game, so i will do it and will see how they feel. If someone tells me a compliment, it means that i won and i would have to vomit on myself and purge my soul.

2008-12-29T00:58:00.002+01:00

The thing the most difficult for my grandfather is to say his feeling for someone. These last days, his last best friend left us. He asked me to help him to write an homage to his friend. So i spent time with him telling me his story. What a hard time it was for him and for me, listening all what he lived as a child, as teenager, as an adult, as a sad friend losing the one who lived with him in the poverty and in the war.

I can see frequently some pain caused by the war. The Holocaust along the beaches, the cemeteries for unknown soldiers, for American soldiers... But things are that i didn't live in this war period and all these wounds became so insignificant. But the tears quickly erased on his face with his hand were true. It's the first time that i saw my grandfather so fragile.

He decided to give to me this hard job to write his last words for Milo. Me, who is just a grandchild among other grandchildren or children. I feel like i have his heart in my hand and look this white paper and still stays with no words.

evolution

2008-12-27T04:14:00.009+01:00

I can't sleep. And i am gonna go working in three hours, so it's better to stay awake for that time. So i was thinking in my bed about embryonic development as a summarization of the history of the animal evolution. I know sometimes i am wondering too why i was thinking about it. If i told you how came that subject you may say, woahh you go too far! Crazy

Never mind, the animal world can be classified by the bias of the embryology. Development stages are firstly tissue constitution. To get a reference, scientists consider that embryonic development is stable. So it can bring some informations about connexion of the different kind of animal groups. Embryonic development of some organs can be marked by a persistence of ancestral characteristics which can comfort in the existence of a common ancestor who should be a protist (unic cell).

Let's get a point about the evolution of the communication right now! ( though communication and animal evolution are linked together) Protist are single cell which would group together for unknown reason. Well i guess it was to survive. Us, human or any other animal still keep this behavior. Because they were in group, the communication between cells started. So the agregation of cell induced the specialization of each one without lose of structure. That's to say, staying independant and being single cells. But as each one get a role in the group and thanks to the environment, they developed some specific activities such as nutrition, locomotion or reproduction just copying what they're doing independently of each one. There is born the communication. Don't you think that what we're doing on our daily day follows the same protocols?? Then thanks to this communication more or less complex we got three different evolutions of metazoa ( sponge ), which are the most simple evolution, the animals triploblastic and diploblastic animal characterized by a development of organs that doesn't have metazoa.

In the embryonic development, there is the constitution of cellular layers with independent behaviors which explain the different tissues and organs that animals are constituted. There start the first two groups of the animal classification. If there are constituted by two layers ( ectoderm and endoderm) they're called diploblastic animals. If there are three layers ( ecto, endo and mesoderm) they're called triplobastic animals (there we are). One the picture, mesoderm will be between ecto and endoderm. The endoderm will firstly forms the digestif tube with two different evolutions, if the blastopore will be the mouth, then we will get the protostomiens and if it will give the anus, then we will get deuterostomien (human specie is here). About human evolution, then it's summarized in that two pictures. i have to go work.

2008-12-08T01:54:00.003+01:00

日本語を勉強しっていった時にドイツを忘れているんだ。
今、韓国語を勉強しっている。そして日本語を忘れているんだ。
おかしい、おかしい、おかしい!!!頭がおかしいよ~~。
何で!!毎週日本語を使う。漢字忘れことを分かったけど
何で日本語で話すことが難しくなったの？
悪く、悪く、悪くなった。いらない。
フランズが大嫌い!!!

괜!!아마죽고요?!

a mother and his son dreaming to meet some alien

2008-12-02T00:19:00.001+01:00

Feeling as barometer of our evolution.

2008-11-30T04:19:00.004+01:00

when people know to make a difference between them and others, everything is possible. Even to grow the spirit. Things are if we understand to leave with our present and accept people as they are, if we understand choices that make people around us without judging it and trying to feel why they make these choice, everything is possible and the happiness and the awakening are faster and better qualities. Why? because there is understanding. Because things are not only alone but are a unit and the alone part we got it too, it is in the understanding of what we are.

People hurting others are just people who don't understand that. Because of the feeling of the unfairness who bring anger. Because of value that we learn and think to be good without re questioning those value. And if that words were wrong, why we got angry and sad when somebody die? i finally forgiven to that boy who put in the mind of my mother the word : die. And i forgiven to her. Because it is still hard to say it, but we are responsible of our act but also of the act of each other in the past, in the present and in the future.

The place where we leave, the education that we got makes what we are. Life is not pink, never. Life seems to be more difficult when we go on in our evolution. Maybe because we are accumulating our anger or just because we're more sensitive. After all, there is an hypothesis explaining that in us we accumulate the experiences of our ancestor in us. This is the evolution which means more understanding involving bigger capacity to act and react in an extreme manner.

Unconsciously they understood it which explain the expression of their anger on other people but the anger is due to the conscious non understanding of the action of people. vicious circle. That's why to be alone everytime to understand is not the solution.

My life made me understand to do not be angry against others but i still be often angry, not from others but from me. That's an other way to react thinking that everything i feel it's because of me.If i got sad, for example, that's not because of others but me because i couldn't put a safe limit. Don't need to ask to people to do what we don't know to do and this doesn't mean there isn't confidence in someone else.

Feeling as barometer of our evolution. Stronger they are and better became our knowledge thanks to the understanding pushed by sensitivity.

Hemyai, my grandmum

2008-11-23T23:55:00.010+01:00

My grandmum is the better person in all of this world. She is the person who impress me the most. Not because she is my grandmum, but because she could make her life as she never could imagine. My grandmum lost her parents when she was young in Laos. She was welcomed with her brothers and sisters by her grandmum. But because she was the youngest one she had to do not go to school and find a way to win money to put foods on the ground of the "house" for everyone. But even though she worked hard and sacrificed herself for her family often she couldn't get enough to nourish herself. So she slept outside the house and with her hand, because she hadn't tool, she dug in the ground to find some bamboo growth or young root of shrub to eat.

And then, a blond hair with blue eye french boy came to meet her. And they get married. No fantasy, not a big ceremony, not a lot of people, nothing just them in a village in Laos in a sincere marriage as you can see on this picture, the only picture of their marriage. My grandmum started to live for herself but never forget her family. She bought a big parcel and constructed houses for her family. Even after doing that, her family still stay cold with her and never really recognized her kindness. But my grandfather stole my grandmum to her family and travelled the world together. She could get all the jewels that she wish and go back to her country when she wanted. She made a family and as time goes along, she left children in place where they wanted to be.

When i look in her eye, i can see with time, she got tired though she is still fighting and hopes in her family. I would love to hang her but as we are that's not the way to express our feeling. She kept finally closed to her the family she created.

Khaman, leaves now in france thanks to her. And even if he can't say to her thank you, he is still here for her. My aunt from New Caledonia came too. You see, even though we can't say it because of pride and the Laos' education that she gave to us, we own all to this woman coming from nowhere, that had no power in this rotted world.

In a world where money is the chief of our movements,
she is still helping and taking care of person like me that life gave nothing to be
and gives to us hope and strength to be someone.

She observes without impatience, without anger, without judgment,
she fixes with a inner, protective and impersonal glance this breathing which comes and goes.
If she needs to move, trample, roar, she contemplates her mind, her feelings that sway, entail her and she doesn't imply herself, she lets come and she lets go.
And all angers, all impatiences disappear like smoke.
And she contemplates one more time breathing which comes and goes...

It's the way she is to be my grandmum

2008-11-21T01:05:00.001+01:00

As usually

2008-11-21T00:04:00.002+01:00

Sometimes i am ashamed. For someone, just a single balloon is satisfying. And for someone else, a life full of unnecessary things is satisfying. The one with a balloon and the one with his numerous stuff feel things at the same degree. And when a third window opens on the life of another one. We got frustrated. I am frustrated. I am mad. I am ugly.

i stopped university and decided to work in a place where the only conversation of my team is: "I feel cold and suddenly i feel warm. I will be menopausal soon, i should look for information about injection of estrogen." I got bored. Not because i am just 25 but these kind of conversation is everytime. I tried to talk with them to understand how they work and if i could find something interesting in them. And i got bored again.

They asked some questions about me, why am i with them, what i've done before. And i just lie, telling them that i've done nothing interesting until now. But the true is that i woke up tired though i slept enough, miss my bus an get late every day just because i am not enjoying what i am doing. I use to find in each person something great in them and try to emphasise that point. But it seems the atmosphere of that rotted apartment has reason on me.

i watched on that third window, and saw the one that i want to become. i am planning and included some person on my plan like you. I am fighting with that bored life and stay patient to see realized what i want to live. i follow rules, put dreams on a corner and gain these few coins. I asked you a question, that coin could be used to meet you. Because i got plans and need to talk with you.

Adam, the one of thousand girls

2008-11-10T01:17:00.007+01:00

The one, that i couldn't understand is that one.

I said couldn't because i could predict his "just you". I can predict when he's gonna answer and when he won't. I can say that i am pretty sure that when he's not agree with something, he won't say it. At least when it's not annoying.

Adam is a geek, but an amazing one. He put me as his spouse on internet thought he got thousand girls on his feet. Always dreaming even thought he always says he's reasonable, he lives through fantastic world (video game, movies, books maybe) where every things are possible, through his computer to keep contact or got answer to questions he got suddenly on his head, through beer, well we're students sure beer are sacred, through music, one of his favorite time with asia and sport, because he is attentive to his health. Right? and your megaman? don't you forget it today?!

Adam the unsatisfied: loves almost everybody especially when it's a girl. But still unsatisfied of his life. Not because he got annoying things to do, but just because he got an image of what he wants to be. He might think that people don't understand him. Sure, he doesn't know how to express his mind. Funny kid, i know that one when i looked you playing guitar. ( do you remember when i was laughting with an hysteric one?!)

I wrote that because i finally can't really predict him, just with his statut married with me, he stay the one,who put me speechless. I probably made a wrong portrait of him tonight, but you're always looking that page today. Now you got something to watch.

You can be proud of you tonight. You make me think of you almost all the day. Well don't be too proud too. Don't even be proud of you.

Eddy, one part of translation of the sock's story

2008-11-06T18:03:00.003+01:00

I remember my come back in France in september of this year. Eddy, a young boy, came to sit down near me. He asked me where i came from, and i answered, i went to Japan. Eddy had two nationalities: french and american one. He didn't even speak really english. He went in France, when he was child following his mother. This night, Eddy wanted to come back in the US. When Eddy took his decision, he left Angers (his town) and like that decided to go in the airport. But Eddy couldn't reserve a flight, because he needed 100€ more.

Eddy was simple in his head. When i opened my bag to take some cigarettes, he saw a typical pair of sock. He told me: hey sis, what that shit in your bag? I answered talking about Japan, and he started to forget his pain dreaming of Japan. Before taking my train, i gave to him the socks and some japanese tissues with Hello Kitty picture (which one i was so happy to give to him!). Eddy, the black bad boy listening rap took it with an happy face of a kid. It was a nice meeting to end this trip in Japan.

persécution sensorielle

2008-11-03T23:42:00.000+01:00

I feel lost. With no reason, confused, unsecured. I feel empty though I am full of love for each one. I go to sit on the floor of my room, back to the door and suddenly tears invade my eyes. No sound, no thoughts, nothing. By themselves, tears come and make me realize that I am not satisfied of what I am. Around me, life is going on and I am listening those whispers, I smile and sounds come to me. I put my hands in front of my mouth and tears fall more and more as much as the reasons pass through me.

Les shadoks, all my childhood

2008-10-30T23:41:00.000+01:00

Zouk machine for me to wash my room

2008-10-30T10:42:00.002+01:00

My mum found only one solution to make me wash my room when i was young. It was to listen music in the same time. At the beginning there have a lot of various musics but at the end, finally it was zouk and in particular that one. uhm That makes me smile. Not you! I know.

Sans penser à demain

2008-10-26T20:13:00.000+01:00

Les mains dans les poches,
j'essaie de tourner une page.
Pas à pas, la tête dans les nuages,
d'un regard perdu mais songeur,
les vouloirs se dessinent.

On fait des choix,
on croise des gens,
leur donne un peu de soi
et la route se continue.

Un jour, en marchant
y a t il vraiment un endroit
où on décide de s'y arrêter pour une vie?
Non, juste pour un temps.

On pose ses bagages,
on se resource un instant,
puis une ombre passe
et une nouvelle image se dessine,

Alors on s'en va,
On se retrouve encore sur la route,
les yeux gonflés de souvenir
la tête remplie de devoirs
les mains pleines de bagages
et les jambes courantes vers nos choix.

Pas à pas,
on nous dessine et on comprend
que rien peut être
en se souciant des lendemains.

La linéa

2008-10-22T21:19:00.001+02:00

2008-10-10T14:10:00.003+02:00

Is that possible to ignore a person which one we lived 5 years together?
If yes, i would like to!

Can he really construct something true with a such a beginning with her who was divorcing and get 3 children though seeing me he told me that he still loves me?? Or he's just lying to himself.

Does the family and friends are right when they say that i have to do my best to be with him or at least help him to do not continue with her! Aren't they words of his desperate family to try to keep me in his family?!

Is that normal that his mother came to me crying and his brother calling me sister.

I won't be with him because i don't want to love him again. Too much pain but he's still important for me. And they are making me regret my decision. Stop confusing me

Horrors of my nature

2008-10-06T13:38:00.006+02:00

Arrivée en France, je suis allée voir Dan au cimetière. J"ai revu son frère Gary devenu silencieux, ne touchant plus une guitare. Greg, en ce qui le concerne, m'évite parce qu'il m'aime et il s'est ainsi engagé dans une relation avec une fille divorcée, deux enfants.

La perte d'un être cher a toujours été la plus grande des douleurs. Une punition, une délivrance, un temps de vie. Une page se tourne et les sentiments ne se laissent pas abattre. Viens l'heure de d'une bataille où l'on peut que laisser sa peau.

Inscoucience, inconscience, la raison humaine n'a pas de maître, indomptable elle nous régit à sa façon.

Happy birthday gwen

feeling of emptiness

2008-10-06T00:39:00.002+02:00

How do you feel when you understand that somebody stole all what you had.
How do you feel that now you got nothing and all what you needed stay somewhere, a place that you're forbidden to enter.
How do you feel when you have the feeling that you can't go home because somebody is living there.
You don't feel anger, you even don't understand what it is but you just know that you can't fight again and for the first time of your life you understand that you didn't lose a fight but the war. Nothing get a sense. You can just watch your most sincere emotions leave you and watch them go far away from you.

You can just see the most important is leaving you smiling. For us, that's not possible to see our dreams feeling better without you. But finally the truth is this. Keep smiling because if we really love this, we have to let this alone without us. Hard to do.

It's the hardest that i know and makes me angry against myself. I lost my dreams tonight

2008-09-16T13:01:00.002+02:00

帰る時に

2008-08-30T14:04:00.006+02:00

今日は帰る日で､またさようならした｡フランスに帰ることだけじゃないが､今私の後方ﾗｲﾌがあるんだので､痛いんだ｡毎日研究室いって､妹とｱﾊﾟﾄに帰って､車先生とbong keun お兄さん仕事をして､買物をして､お酒を飲んだ｡それは楽しかった｡今中国にいる｡でも忘れてできない｡いい時でしたから寂しくなった｡今日は兄さんは笑ってしなくて､もっといたくした｡ごめんなさいと言いたかったけど｡｡｡できなかった｡目がさけんだかったので､早くやった｡ほんとに会いたい。

2008-08-25T15:15:00.001+02:00

What can I do? Nothing, you can watch this white page 2 or 3 times or even more. As long as it's boring where you are, i can't change things and make your life more interesting and less .... Soon, you'll see your friends and forget this white page one more time. But you're still in my thought if it's what you're looking for.

2008-08-16T08:35:00.001+02:00

Téléphone: Bombe Humaine

2008-08-08T01:45:00.003+02:00

Deadline for you

2008-07-31T17:23:00.001+02:00

Assise devant ça j'ai regardé venir et partir les choses.
Pétrifiée de désirs ou indécise
Incessante réalité
Présente et maligne
Caché derrière les confusions
Les sensations sont là.
L'impatiences se fait sentir
Mais derrière cette attente
Je guette l'instant précis
Où par une pensée
Je choisirai ma voie
Et ce,
Par tes allés et venus sans fin.

Sitting on the edge of my reason

2008-07-11T18:17:00.003+02:00

I can go to all corners of my head,
I just don't understand or i don't wanna understand
As you feel it

Illusion?? or it can be real??
I am not dreaming
I am just here and fine to be here

My world is crossing yours without even imagining that i am learning from you
Your reasons?? Foolishness if i tell you that i don't care?
You lost marks, signs, traces, tracks??
I am telling you that i love your truths

Unraveled of sense for you
Don't think about it, i know what i mean
I go back to my life
with a note of excitation
written on your fridge or played , it's the same feeling that you perceive

Are somethings clanking??
And behind this,
can you hear this sound??
Don't worry, you're not insane
Relief has done.

Feeling better or just climbing the cameo which is this semblance of person that you are
with your futility, your world of artifacts
I don't care
Bared foot, i continue to walk on the line between my reality and my imagination.
oh yeah all of these dreams will find their way

2008-07-08T02:19:00.004+02:00

You've got problem with big breast? I have The solution.
An efficient solution to lose breast in less time that you need to say
i am not a woman but now i am not even a man.
:-o

My Crazy Family

2008-06-28T11:31:00.004+02:00

In this family all rules that you can apply in a typical family is impossible in mine but in the same time, you can find all what you want. You can find some super super super rich people and super super super poor people. You can travel in all continents, they are there traveling, living for a while or do their life there. You can discover every time new sisters or cousins or uncles. You can lose communication with your uncle and suddenly one year after hear that your uncle is in Africa and got married again for the X times... well a lot of odd stuff.

I lost my mum and i have since a while two mums: one from Thailand (my ante) and one from Laos (my grand mum). I have a father and an adorable/devil handicapped brother totally disconnected of the world, and an other brother lazy, fishing with a dragnet the girls ;-). I discovered that i have two crazy big step sisters, one believing she is a princess while her husband is killing himself to try to satisfy her demands and the other one, alcoholic, on drugs, stabbing her boyfriend to the hand. I have my 4 grand parents. On the side of my mum, I have a foolish grand mum, jealous even with her own children abandoning them to confine my grand father in a cage. On the other side, i have the better grand parents in all over the world with crazy stories of war and love in the Asian lands and an ascendancy of my grand mum from the extreme poverty into a dream's life through the five continents. From my Thai family I have got dragon stories, legend and Buddhism's stories/philosophy.

But in my daily life, stuffs are also crazy and sometimes drive me crazy. You have to get a strong spirit to control yourself while the times that you can absolutely do nothing, just waiting the time run or while the times or you have to control the situation and find the better way to get nobody hurt. You can pass through hard very hard moments which make you stronger. Like the death of my Mum which makes live some delicate dangerous situations for me, my family and for the people around us. I touched a gun i had Nine years old. In France, it's very rare to find a gun but i played with the one of the grand father of my best friend who was a retirement policeman.

And as you live some hard times, you also live some good, very good times. Like the Christmas tree that your father didn't throw away, and when you come back home at summer vacation, you have to organize an commando operation with your brother to throw it away without people see you. But for sure, the tree is dry, huge and lost their leafs. So you look for a plan for hiding the situation and put these leafs in front of a door of one of the neighbors.

I spoke with my brother today. And as i am far away living in Japan since a while and had a new eye on my life in France. My father, we don't know why but when he goes outside he keeps his coat while in the days the weather are warm in France something like 30°C. And now, my Handicapped brother wants to do the same thing. My handicapped brother met the first foreigners of his life and it was Japanese people in a newspaper/tobacco shop. A group of Japanese was standing up in front of candy for a while. My brother loves candy and couldn't have access of the candy. But the Japaneses were laughing about the candy and my brother lost patience and go to choose his candy. But he heard a weird language that he was unable to understand. So he watched them apparently a long time and taking M'n'Ms he said to them: "You bizarre". Well you can't laugh about this story because you can't understand how bizarre is this situation. Two people, one handicapped, the other one following his child, the both disconnected of the world, dressed with a coat in summer meeting Japanese people couldn't speak in French or English and discovering the French candy. What is not bizarre?!

I realized that in my home, the parents are not the one who seems to be. Yeah, the parents are my brother and me. My brother is working in Paris and I am in Japan until August. It seems that at home it's freedom time! The ground is black and not beige, in the kitchen, the dishes wasn't washed since my departure in March. and...I supposed that also my father didn't take a shower since a long long long time. I prefer to do not say the dirtier ones.

Well, my family is an ordinary family. I miss them sometimes when i am far from them but when i am with them the only thing that i want is to leave. I need to be me and get a boyfriend and do my life. And when i will come back in France, the Christmas tree of the year 2007 is waiting me. Who is gonna do the commando operation with me?

drive me crazy

2008-06-24T21:35:00.005+02:00

I just came back at home. For today, work is finished but tomorrow will be again a hard day. In one week I have to do a presentation of my work in the lab in Japanese. A presentation for 20min. Knowing that i just started to learn Japanese since 3 months, that's impossible. But they want i do it, so i am gonna do it.

But there is only 24H in a day and i don't have enough time to do all what they ask to me. They're gonna make me sick. It's simple. What i have to do for a week is:
1- To analyse by HPLC the sample that i have to get a natural compound
2- Start a new extraction to get more sample
3- Cell's experimentation: 4 96-well-plates Western blot, 2 96-well-plates Radio Isotope for anti proliferation, 2 96-well-plates in MTT essay for toxicity of the sample per day
4- To go to japanese class
5- To study for japanese test
6- To do the japanese homework
7- To do a new report for my university
8- To do a presentation of my data in japanese.

They're gonna kill me. I have to satisfy the exigences of japanese, the laboratory and my university. I don't want to complain but they're driving me crazy. It's impossible. I just want to be me. i am sick and can't have a good sleep because i don't have time to sleep and because i am stress.

And I am alone. I've got very good japanese and korean friends but i feel alone. And doesn't help me. And i don't want to go in France. I don't want to go on this study even though i almost finished. Just 2 months but it seems without end. I need to sleep and they don't want to understand. I am so tired. I am already sick and really at my limits.

They told me everytime: daijoubu desu ka? osukareta? ganbatte. and i have to answer NO daijoubu. okage sama de genki desu. But it's just lies. It's just what they want to hear.

And tomorrow wake up for 7:00 am

2008-06-23T18:57:00.007+02:00

Something happened to me today.
Something odd.
Something sad and warm.
A memory came back
When i was under the rain without umbrella.
A memory high in sound, colors, odors
Just touching my t-shirt
A voice that i had forgotten
Just for one second
But for one second
I had a mum today
And she saved my life

The rainy season is arrived in Japan.

2008-06-21T15:56:00.004+02:00

Since two days, the atmosphere has been odd. Strange feelings, everybody's changing. Tired, smiles gave its place to nostalgia. Around me, people stopped to live in this world and seems to be thoughtful.

People decided to show me their sadness. They put hope in me thinking that i could understand. How can they believe that? I can't allow me to look for understanding of their feelings because i will never be able to understand it. I can't accept this hope because i haven't the answer. I would like to know the answer of their questions. But all i can do is to listen them, feel their sadness, cry for them in me, say to them what they want to hear and smile to them.

It's all that i can do.
I can't give more.
I am sorry.

Sahara?? through child eyes

2008-06-19T18:19:00.005+02:00

The first country that i visited was Tunisia in a summer camp. All fees paid by the Government. I went there with a friend of the children house.

Before the end of the trip, we went in the Sahara for few days and these last days were the best souvenir of this trip. I had my first hallucinations over there! A plane in the middle of an oasis. It was awesome, Thomas one of the educators,Seb and me decided to go to the discovery of this plane because what was so awesome was this hallucination was collective. So we dashed off with our camels.

But as one goes along, this plane seemed to be closer but it was never ended. But my camel suddenly drove me crazy and drove crazy the other camels. We couldn't have control of the situation and these fucking camels decided to go far away at the opposite of the group. At least it was what we thought.

But the most frustrating was the group didn't seem worried about us and go on on their road. For Thomas, it was a hell because he was worried but us quickly, we felt like freedom and take pleasure of this race like we were in a ride for high sensation.

Unfortunately, the game ended but for an other adventure, an oasis. We spent time here alone, but after a long while, the others joined us. The Tuareg know very well the desert and knew that camel wanted to drink. That's why they weren't worried... Well i don't know how many hours we spent there because in the desert time seems stopped. But the camel stayed to drink a while what i considered like everlasting...

We watch the sun going to the other side of the Earth and then we've gone to an hotel in the beginning of the desert. This hotel is indescribable. The room was with the necessary. Well, no shower, no toilet, no bidet, just a bed and a television. After dinner, with Thomas, Sonia ( an other educator who wanted to date with him) and Seb and me, were walking in the garden of the hotel when we saw a swimming pool. What a dream! No shower since 2 days! Immediately we went to dress our swimsuit. The swimming pool was huge but also dried with a truck in it.

This hotel was the worth that i've ever seen. I spent the night to be worried that a cockroach as big as my thumb goes on my nose or my hears. But it still stay a good souvenirs: monkeys stealing your meal, Arabic marriage, collective hallucinations, a phantom hotel, camels giving you seasickness... Good stuff to keep you child.

Things to do

2008-06-15T05:03:00.009+02:00

I hadn't gone to Japanese class for more than one week, and hadn't gone to my laboratory since Wednesday. I am probably bad student, but i don't care because saying that i am bad student is comparing with the others and i don't like to compare people together. I feel sick, my head is somewhere and never stop to think. I feel sick not physically, well to say true, now i am also because i forget to nourish myself confusing in my thoughts. Some thing's wrong. So i stayed in my room to try to figure out.

This morning i woke up with one more time this dream in my head. It's a tree in a plain. This tree is huge and marvelous. His leafs are strong and green. I wanted to seat to his feet to protect me against the sun but the ground where his roots become established is black, petrified and moldy. So I cringed and watch his top. And the leafs were becoming yellow then red and as one goes along all leafs of the tree were yellow and then red to finally becoming brown and leave the tree. The sun was high in the sky and warm but not enough to burn leafs of this tree. I feel sad and confused and for a tree in my dream i cried.

Each time after this dream i woke up roughly. The first time, i didn't take attention of it because i often do weird dream like a sumo coming to sit on my knees and makes me suffocated. But knowing that i am questioning, i tried to understand what meaning was hidden behind. It could have no meaning but in this case, i think i wouldn't dream of it again.

What i understood is the tree by his roots, is nourished by Earth of all the corpses of past life who are trying to revive. And the tree is dying living in the past seeing his goal far away and couldn't realized what he wants to because he can't cut off with the ground who is nourishing him. The past is nourishing him and he bask in it because the past made what he is but the past will not make him what he will be or what he want.

I am in his case, all at home has a link with a dolorous past. My suburb is the same place where my mum lived, the supermarket is the same one where we go to do our shopping with mum. My father doesn't live in the present only in the past. All stuff in my room reminds me my dolorous past, the same desk, the same poster, the same bears, some clothes, friends, streets. My goal when i was younger was to fight because of wrath to give to my brothers and my father a better life but this is possible only if i amputate the part of me who wants to live and if they accept to live in the present.

To say true, since last year, when i came in Japan, even though i felt oppressed sometimes because of obligations, restrictions, i feel lighter and so much more happy than over there. And now i can plan and i have a goal who correspond to me. Coming in Japan was my first decision by myself against my family with no goal for my family.

A person living in the present, when an idea passes through their mind, they're gonna do it. I have dreams and i want to do it. But in order to do it, i have to brighten different situations with different persons.

I need to leave one more time, but i don't want to leave Japan, it's this life that i want to leave. I am on a crossroad and i have to take a decision. There is a life waiting me in France. I could close my eyes and get married with somebody that i don't love and make everybody happy excepted me. Or i could stay with my eye wide opened and stay what i am and do my life like i feel. I already chose. If it's to be egoist, then I am. I want to give wings to my tree. I will see.

It's done!!

2008-06-13T13:45:00.004+02:00

I spent some long long whiles of reflexion to be sure to take the good decision. I was confused among others about Tokyo. Will i have to go for a future that i don't want but for sure will be a good future or will i choose to do what i want and in this case nothing is predictable. I always wanted to refuse this proposition but i never really refused because everybody told me to take care of what i'm gonna do. But i was stupid to take so much time because i always knew that i didn't wanted to become Doctor for few reasons that i exposed in a previous article.

Today, i officially gave my answer to my sensei for Tokyo. What i know is i don't want to open this door to entry in their world because i could realized working in the laboratory that my beliefs now aren't there anymore. Becoming Doctor in Tokyo Daigaku seems to be very respectable through your eyes. After all, it's like a recognition from them. But for me, my goal for my study is attained.

Now i feel like lighter but i should again until third of september pretend to myself that i love what i am doing to be graduate and then live for me.

Elle est pas belle la vie!!!

L'étonnement

2008-06-11T05:55:00.007+02:00

Avant même de naître un enfant débute son éveil pour le nouveau monde. L'éveil est possible par l'étonnement. L'ignorance des choses permet l'étonnement et l'étonnement permet l'éveil.

Une fois intégré dans la société, l'étonnement n'est plus à cause de la formalisation, la standardisation, l'indépendance de soi, des choses de ce monde qui rentrent en conflit avec ce que vous ressentiez avant de les assimiler. C'est ce qui provoque les erreurs de jugement, les confusions et la perte de son étonnement. L'Homme essaye de comprendre ce qui désormais lui dépasse. Ce n'est qu'une quête de l'état originel.

Le Bouddhisme l'a bien compri puisque par l'étonnement l'Etre s'éveille mais une fois la connaissance acquise l'Etre sourit. Parce qu'il a su conserver le sentiment d'étonnement avec l'éveil. Et ceci est possible pour les choses qui ne sont pas de notre monde. Il est donc possible de conserver ce sentiment d'étonnement. Tout n'est pas encore perdu pour l'Homme recherchant la vérité.

Cependant, si vous êtes confus dans un sentiment, se poser trop de question c'est se poser les mauvaises questions. Là où se trouve en fait la réponse aux attentes est quelquepart enfoui en vous. Vous doutez de quelque choses? C'est simple, vous voulez ce quelque chose mais les pensées vous disent que trop de contraire. Alors écoutez votre raison. Mais encore une fois, la raison n'est pas dans ce que vous croyez raisonnable, la raison se trouve dans ce que vous ressentez. Vous ne comprenez pas pourquoi mais c'est ainsi que vous le ressentez! Mais vous le comprendrez que plus tard lorsque vous aurez nettoyé ce qui vous empêche d'avancer.

Fanny: I miss you so muchhhhh

2008-06-04T13:49:00.001+02:00

2008-06-03T13:08:00.005+02:00

I would love to say to him that i don't care of what he's talking about. I just want to dinner in the cafeteria without to hear your fucking speech about statistics are always right. There is no way, i could say i don't share the same opinion or yes you're right or just do not listen you will go on. I don't care of your thought, you just pissed me off. Are you gonna stop to talk?!

2008-05-25T16:59:00.005+02:00

Stories of people are all similar. I could again tell you a story. And you could read this story and say i ever heard this story. But tonight, i want to tell you a story that i heard before.

It's happening one night while a girl finished to dinner with her family. Her father is watching the television while she's taking care of her brothers. One is brushing his tooth and the other is standing on the wash-machine smiling and playing with his feet. The little girl is changing the diaper of a 3 year-old baby. After that, she put the baby in room next to her room and goes to prepare herself to go to bed. The other brother is like he used to, getting around her telling her that Sangoku can beat easily Vegeta and it will happen in the next episode and that he finished his candy and would like to take some of hers.

Well, banal story. Her and her brother go to bed in the same room. Turn on the night light and let on-the-jar the door with average the space of her fist. Because she is afraid of the darkness since her mother's death. The brother, him, hates this and want to sleep in an absolute darkness but her she can't, so like usually, before sleepling a fight starts until hearing the angry, drunk voice of their father.

Then, they start an other game. They often play with their hands thinking each hand is a person and invent a story. But this night, they decided to play to their other favorite game which is singing together. So they are singing together, creating new lyrics and new melodie. Sometimes, when Daddy sleep early because of alcohol, the little girl get out of her bed and plays piano while her brother sings.

But this night, the father decided to change rules. With a loud voice, he called the children awaken the baby who didn't want to get sleep anymore. She took the baby in her arms calmed him and they came in the dinning room laughing and thinking that their father was drunk and angry because they're not sleeping.

The father, sitting on a chair, asked them to sit on the coach. He locked the door of the appartment and throw the keys. He also takes the phone and cut the electrical lead. Then he goes in the kitchen, take a dishcloth and finally goes to sit on his chair. He watches them lengthily and attentively. He told them a lot of bad words like it's because of you that his wife is dead. He takes the dishcloth and let fall a knife that was hidden inside, makes a withers on his arm and cuts his skin.

The little girl is disappointed and can't cry. But the brother is terrified and his tears so warm falling touched the hand of the girl who took her brother on her arm trying to hid his eye. In the same time the father in front of her closed his eye and sigh. Unreal moment, unforgettable moment. The girl realized she will lose the last parent she had. Trembling she couldn't stop to fixe with eye her father and she start to cry. Her father doesn't even open his eye to see what's happening because he wasn't able to assume what he was doing.

At this moment, she prayed for the first time of her life. Saying that she wanted to keep her father because he was the only one able to take care of her and her brothers. But the father heard what she said and he became angry very angry. So he stands up and throw the television on the floor, poked on the wall saying What an egoist prayer! you're doing.

Fortunetely, neighborings heard all the noise of mthe father and came to knock to our door. The father told them that all was alright. But the neighboring didn't beleive to his words, could hear us crying in the background and call the emergency. Before the coming of the emergency, the father fainted.

After that the father went to the hospital and the children slept on the neighboring's appartment. But something will stay forever on mind of the little girl. On the door of the kitchen it was written, "Kids i love you". How can she believe in it.

This story could be mine like it could be yours. Everybody is able to undestand the feeling of these children in our manner. Some people will say, it's a stupid story others will stay indifferent of it but some people will understand totally this story and why not more than i am able to understand. But in all case, people would have been read it and will not be able to ignorant of it. What i try to say with my own words is i am nothing you're nothing but we have to pay back the mistake of others and vice versa.

Thanks mum. That's my words for the mother's day today.

My brother was just taking a walk...

2008-05-25T08:27:00.006+02:00

I gave a call today to the new institute who is taking care of my handicaped brother. My brother is 18 years old, so now he has to be in a children house specialized in handicaped children because my father is not able to take care of his children among the government which is right.

I knew by mail that one day my brother left this institute for all a day. And the educators weren't able to know where he was. I asked today why my brother left so suddently the institute without informing somebody. Because he isn't this kind of person who does something like that without reason. For sure, somebody pissed him off. But they don't know why. And i don't know why i supposed they could know the answer. They're so idiot.

They gave me my brother on the phone, and i asked to him why, he just said that he wanted to go to Japan walking to meet me... These stupid educators said to him that he will never meet me again. How can they say it to him. I was so angry but when i was on the phone with my bro, i heard that they asked to Mimi to give them the phone, and my brother told them: shut up. I love my brother. Nobody knows how he is such a nice person because everybody see him just like a handicaped child. BUT he isn't insane. He undestands easily what people like you are. He never gives a shit but if you piss him off too much he will make you understand by your own words how you're so an asshole. Did you get it?! Asshole

2008-05-25T05:33:00.007+02:00

Sometimes it's hard to forget her. But today i woke up and i realized that i dreamed of her. And i remember exactly how her face is. She spent a day with me in my dream. My feelings for her are reliving. The feelings of a girl of 8 years old. How much it could be good to be in her arms. How much i can miss her.

Un peu de moi avant que j'oubli tout ceci également

2008-05-13T14:02:00.013+02:00

I can't stop thinking. Last message was for idiots. Well firstable, i will define what is an idiot. An Idiot is a common species who believe in all what they admit for the first time like fact, true and never question themselve. That message is just because i want to share some memories with the idiots. Why are you idiots? Because you need to read bulshit of people. And why am i writing to you? Because i hope you will understand or become less idiot?!

With Dan, we met in the children's house, an asshole would prefer to say orphanage but i prefer children's house. It was a castle in a countryside where you could go nowhere if you decided to run away. On the windows, there were bar. Around the castle, there were a lake with ducks and a swan, a poultry house, a big field where we looked for chocolate eggs for Easter day, a big private forest where hunters came to shoot rabbits illegally and a old towel where Louis XIV, the Sun King, slept few times. It was a great place to rot.

Inside, it was a war, a war between us and educators. We had to ask the permission to go to the toilet and sometimes they wanted to play with us. Like this day, where Damien, a cute young child of 8 years old asked if he could go upstair to go to the toilet. They said no and continued their conversation. But the little wanted really to go to the toilet and asked a second time. And Cricri answered again no, smiling. and Damien did on his underwear. I don't think they realized what they've done and how sometimes their games were so humiliating. But there is no lie, all truth. And i have a lot like this one. But we were not angels too.

At 20:00 you have to be in your room and at 21:00 they turn off all light and you, you should be in your bed if you don't want to be contaminated by the halitosis of the night watchwoman. At midnight, this girl came in all room with her halogen lamp which she put at 2cm of your face to see if you're sleeping. Not able to find again sleep, we waited she slept and the room of Dan (Led Zepplin room), the room of my brother (PSG room with PSG for Peter my brother, Sébastien and Gary the brother of Dan and also for Paris soccer team) and my room we started our vengeance.

The woman slept everytime on her chair at the end of the corridor near to the elevator. We took the halogen lamp and go to the kitchen. We took alcohol which were hidden by the director in a secret place and rope used to cook chicken or beef. And we went upstair, bind the woman on her chair and put her on the elevator and she was sent in the kitchen. Because the elevator ended directly on the kitchen. And when she was there, we spilled our clothers in clother hamper everywhere without forgetting to put an underwear on the head of this woman. After that, Dan, Laetitia and the other older drunk alcohol. One time, Dan let me drink a glass of red wine but he never let me to touch it more. And this cinema was often...

But we did also good things. I remember that in the forest, there was a place where all tree was collateral each others creating a beautiful atmosphere. The light was spread out. This place was like surrounding of spider web. It was like a fantastic, unreal place where could be hidden a maleficient sorcerer or a faery. We really loved this place and with Dan we constructed our house with wood. This place has really something special because it was also the place where we were in peace with the educators. The only place where we were toghether for doing something: this shanty. Closed of this place, i also had my first fear of bull.

At this time, I had also my first fight: us against stupid children believing we killed our parents. One girl also jab her pair of scissor on my knee in class because i didn't want to give her my stuff in my bag. But i am not proud of it because after i took her earring and it cut her earlobe in two. It's also this kind of person who fix my brother and make him understand that he is abnormal, insane.

Well all this to make you understand something that you will never understand and tomorrow when i will wake up nothing will change, and this kind of wreckage will still be everywhere making harder life to those that already have one and making them thinking they're wrong. Oh yes, tonight i feel very angry about all these idiots. It's wasting time, i know it.

No title for ephemeral words

2008-05-13T12:26:00.013+02:00

I left far from my house in France to Japan, I removed furniture of the room and i cut off with my family. I changed all that i could change but i stay confused. It has to be an evidence that it's in my nature. My french is not clean? Well nothing is clean in me because nothing is fixed in me. Probably because i never had a mark to focus, because i had to understand by myself things arounding me with nobody to rectify my wrong ideas.

Do you have any idea of what is it to be alone to understand things of life? Do you have any idea of how i could be scared when i had my first day of menstruation? Do you have any idea of how things, even the simpler thing, can be so scary? Do you have any idea of how can i feel when i turn off the light of my room and can't sleep before being sure that my father is sleeping and he is snoring? Have you ever lived in the fear? Do you have any idea how many time i prayed God to deprived me of my life asking in exchange to make my brother as normal as people are or asking just the relief?

It is true, sometimes, i lost the way to speak and make confusion in words like BigMac (of Mc Donald's) and MigMac (Big trouble) or invent new words like Chalumeau (welding torch) which become Chamuleau (doesn't have sense). It's called to have language disorder due to stress and fatigue. My french is not clean. My english is not clean. My mind is not clean. Nothing is clean and nobody is clean. The reality is less pleasant, right?!

I f**k all person who judges me. Smile to me, I will smile. Adopt the japanese behaviour, I will do it too. Hurt someone that i love and i'll hurt you 2 folder than you. I am not clean but i am simple and require nothing to people, they have always choice.

Woah i was angry... but it's true, excepted when i am tired, i really have a different french than others. well we're not perfect. sometimes, it's weird but i will not change.

I came back

2008-05-03T07:18:00.005+02:00

I was stupid to try to control myself and become hypocrite to do not cause problem. When I don't like somebody i really can't bear him. And right now what i want is to go downstairs and thwart him in his ego. But i shouldn't do it but i will do it. I will feel like on drugs. A relief and a complete satisfaction without regrets and proud of it. Absolute exhaltation will be possible if he could be eradicated.

He is a disease, he told me that he will chat with my friends on Facebook. He is invading. And touching to my life is the better way to make me out of me. Well, what this fucking dick is thinking? He isn't my friend, he isn't my boyfriend. He is just living in the same place than me. And that's all. I don't want to share my private life with a larva.

He should stop to take megaman and return to the reality. If he doesn't do it, I will help him with a kick on his ball.

2008-04-27T11:13:00.002+02:00

2008-04-27T10:47:00.003+02:00

I am gonna sit on the edge of the world to watch what Man have done. Like you